Diary of a Fat Teenager

Oh Torrid, I <3 you so~

here, here, and here

The first two were on clearance for $20 and $25, and the last was $34. 

Ugh, i seriously wish there was a Torrid closer to me. Torrid and Lane Bryant are the only places I can go to that I know will have my size and the clothes will actually be, yanno, cute. I need to find a shirt to go with the middle shorts, but I think I’ll find something eventually. Shopping in there really cheered me up at least. And my ass looks fine in those jean capri’s. woot. All the workers there were soo nice to me to!

In any case, it made the whole experience that was yesterday so much better. I just wish I had lots of money so I could go crazy shopping in Torrid. But I don’t. (my mom bought me the jean capri’s and skirt).. I also wish I would’ve known about the model thing, but I didn’t, so I didn’t have a picture. boo. I guess I could always mail one, but I don’t even know if I have a decent photo taken recently, or an 8 by 10 one for that matter.

Well, vacation is halfway over. I have a feeling that my posts won’t be all that incredible, as I am busy being a lazy ass. Staying up ’till 2 in the morning and sleeping in ’till 12, shopping everyday, going to the pool and the beach and swimming, having high speed internet access.. that’s the life. (Sadly, only 8 of my 100 dollars is left. boo.)

And, OMG- AVATAR!!!! This has been the greatest week of my Avatar-fan life! 2 Hour movie tomorrow… wooooot!!!!! I’m gonna throw myself an Avatar party! yay!!!!!!!!!!

I will now resume lazyness.

You know the collective 20 or so crap days that you have out of the 365 days in a year?

Well, I had one today.

Like I posted before, I’m on vacation. What do we do on vacation?…. One word: shop. Don’t get me wrong, I <3 shopping lots, but today was just a bad bad day. We went to many different places. And what happened in each one of them?

Couldn’t. Find. A. Single. Thing.

By the end of the day I was having those stupid fucking thoughts all over the place- “If you just lost some weight you could buy clothes!” “If you were smaller you could even bother to fit into the clothes” “Fatass”, etc.  I just felt so depressed. Then I started thinking how lucky thinner women are- there are so many more options for them. I went to Hollister and Rue 21 and Abercrombie with my sister… Being in those stores just mad me sick with myself. I couldn’t fit one fat arm into some of their shirts- not to mention almost every size was an XS, I saw like 3 larges. The only store that even had an XL was Rue 21, and all that stuff fit like shit. I felt so jealous of my sister- at least she could shop in those stores. She had the chance to even consider that cute top, or those stylish pants. And then my thoughts go to how I hate how I look, how I get sick of my face. I just think of how fucking ugly I am. The crap ass lighting used in stores doesn’t help much either with that.

Afterwords we went to Old Navy. *sigh* Old Navy has failed me. I remember one time a few years ago the same type of thing happened- but then we went to Old Navy and I found stuff and I felt so much better. But, to no avail. I couldn’t find anything.

The only happy shopping thought I could hang onto throughout this was the super cute skirt that I bought. This skirt to be exact:

Which I got at Stein Mart for $35. I managed to fit into a size 16 (I was surprised they even had that). That was the only thing I really found that worked. (I am really glad I did, because I have really been wanting that type of skirt for awhile now, along with that type of demin, it’s so cute. So even if I wasn’t happy about the price, I bought it anyway {I only brought $100 with me to spend})

I also have been feeling torn as to where I am supposed to shop. I look at the “normal” type clothes, and then I look at the “women’s” clothes. I then proceed to ask for a bucket to puke in. Blarg, anywhere we went that had plus size clothes… They were hideous! I’d rather go naked than wear some of that stuff. I’m just not sure where I fit in, where I belong with any of this stuff.

And I hate how shopping made me feel. Shopping is supposed to make you feel good! It’s supposed to be fun! And I love shopping, which is why today sucked so much.

Anyway, being the intuitive gal that I am, I went to Torrid’s website and clicked on South Carolina to see if they had any stores here. There was 1, but I had no idea where it was located. Next I though I should check Georgia, since we do spend a day in Savannah. I am happy I did, because- lo and behold- there is a Torrid in Savannah! My inner fat shopper leaped with joy. I know Torrid’s prices are wayyyy to high for what you get, but I still love them. I’ve been to Torrid twice in my life, and those times were the best shopping experiences ever. I always find something. And I can try on everything in the store. If I see something that’s cute, I don’t have to know that I won’t be able to try it. I love that feeling. It makes it worth it for me. I could spend hours in there.

So now I am just hanging on the notion that we might be able to go to Torrid when we go to Savannah. It has made me feel a lot better.

On another thought, I am starting to wonder about the whole ‘people notice confidence’ thing. I don’t really find it to be true. People treat me the same wether I am stompin’ it FIERCE, or just slouching because I don’t want to be somewhere. 

And one last side thought. We went to a bra-type store whilst shopping. I got measured and the lady said I was supposed to be wearing a 44 DD… Let me tell you, I tried a DD and it was WAY to big. I might almost fill out a D, but even then I would need to stuff it some to fill it out. So I have no idea how she figured that (she used a measure tape thing and all).. I just cannot believe my bust size is DD. It isn’t. No way in hell. I’m not in denial about my boobs or anything, it’s just a fact. Soo I ended up getting a 42 C ish, which does feel nicer. But I still have never experienced this ‘perfect fit’ when it comes to bras. All feels the same to me.

Summary: Went shopping, ending up being a crap shopping day in turn making me feel like crap, got a cute skirt yesterday however, might go to Torrid and make everything better, don’t get the confidence thing, and my boobies are impossible.

I just had to let me feeling out about today. I don’t talk about it much with my family and I needed to let it out somewhere…

So, on Wednesday last week I went with Ehmuhlee over to the local Strand theater to see Kung Fu Panda. I had heard from a fellow Deviantartist who’s artwork I really admire that it was very good, and she told me that it was fat positive. It seemed that the blogs on the fatosphere went either way. But I decided that I really wanted to see it, because Panda’s are cute, I love Chinese (and Japanese, but I have really taken a liking to Chinese) culture, and i thought the action sequences would be cool- since I love Avatar: The Last Airbender (*insert spazz* OMG NEW EPISODES NEXT WEEK!! AHH!!) and the martial arts in that. I went into the movie feeling mixed, but getting the feeling that I would like it. The fact that I was willing to see a computer animated movie featuring talking animals says enough in and of itself (I am so SICK of the animals that talk and teach a lesson about how much humans suck! UGH!) .

I have to say I was not disappointed. I don’t really like the fact that I went into the movie through “fat eyes”- I was looking to see how they handled teh fatz. The only negative I would point out, that other’s have pointed out before, if the whole eating business. The panda is fat, so there has to be something messed up about it’s eating habits, obviously. That was the only thing that bugged me. I know there are lots of people- fat and thin- that have emotional eating problems, but I just get sick of every fat person shown has to have one to be fat. They can’t just be fat (and I am not trying to dis anyone with emotional eating disorders). And the whole, fat = stupid, lazy, smelly, over-eater thing was kinda annoying. I did like his line at the end, “I’m THE big fat panda”, and the fact that he didn’t have some magic panda slim down at the end. 

I <3 that panda though- so cute. It was so sad to see his reactions after someone would say something negative about it. Had the “we’re people too” type effect. And I really like the way the scroll thing happened. Not to mention the animated was gorgeous- as were the fight scenes. And, seriously, the scenes were they showed the tigress and snow lepoard as little kitten type people- SO CUTE!!!<3333333

And yay for having two of the five being kickass chicks! My 10 year old brain was thinking “I want to be the Tigress!!”… Yeah, we were one of the few their above the 11 year old age lol.

So, I would definitely recommend it. (I havn’t scene Wall-E so I can’t really compare them for their presentations of fat people). It wasn’t perfect, but I doubt any movie ever will be. I am definitely going to be buying this on DVD so my inner 10 year old can rejoice and kick ass.

(Just like to mention that I do have internet access, so I figured I would post this- I wrote it last week not sure whether or not I would be able to access the internet on vacation.)

Okay, so, I hate to admit this, but I am subscribed to Seventeen magazine. Don’t get me wrong, I used to love the magazine, but after reading BUST for half a year now, Seventeen just pales in comparison. The few times they have articles about college I read them over and over again, but for the most part it’s about choosing a college or getting into college- which, doesn’t really help me anymore. And I am realizing that I am really getting sick of all the boy centered articles- it’s everywhere! Sure, they have some articles not about boys, but they are the minority.

I will give Seventeen props for their clothing section. They usually (if not always) have clothing advice for all different bodies types, atleast recognizing that we are not all the same. And that is usually the only section I see any, even slightly, fat girls… I mean “curvy all over” girls. In the most recent issue the main feature was on jeans. They have this fold out thing were you find your size under a certain style and it tells you where to find the jeans. The sizes went up to 15/16, and even then half of the jeans were “Sorry! They don’t come in this size!”. Two of them were “It comes in size 17/18 too!”, since they didn’t have a row for 17/18 (probably since only two of the styles were even available). Which pretty much just sucks.

For the fun of it (well, not really fun, but curiosity), I went through the magazine and counted how many times I saw any girls who might even count as “chubby”. There were 6. Yes, 6. And that’s considering I counted one model twice (she was in two different pictures on the same page). And three of them were in a Torrid ad. The last one was featured as one out of the 17 in their “Best Dressed Girls Across America”, which they do maybe once a year. I’m guessing 6 is actually rather high for any magazine.

This year, Seventeen also started their “Body Peace Project”, which, I can’t remember, might have been mentioned in other blogs back when it started. Each month (except last month, for some reason) has an article by Jess Weiner, a “why we need peace”, a goal for each month, and a body peace prize winner. I always enjoy this page, because I think what is being said is important for girls to hear. This month’s was about how girls can take out their feelings on their body.

Again, I think this Body Peace Project is great, but it frustrates me to no end how hypocritical the magazine is. The page before the BPP page is titled “How to Get Your Best Butt by Back-to-School” and the other is “eat all day long!”. I guess it wouldn’t be catchy enough to just have “August’s fun workout!” or something. They are saying to love your body as it is, yet you must work out to get your best butt? Because your butt is not okay the way it is?

The magazine also has a problem with calorie counting, as evidenced by the second title “eat all day long!”, which is all about how you can eat lots of certain low calorie foods instead of a few high calorie foods which can use up a lot of your “daily allowance”. They also have a little star 17 FYI, which mentions to go to the mypyramid website to find out what your daily caloic intake should be, based on your height, weight, and activiy. That is definitely NOT the website you want to send people to. Seriously, I went there because in my nutrition class in school last year we were forced too, and it recommended about 1200 or less for me. And not to mention their “step to a healtheir weight“- it’s all “calories in, calories out” bull, or their “If you are significantly overweight, you have a greater risk of developing many diseases including high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, stroke, and some forms of cancer. For obese adults, even losing a few pounds or preventing further weight gain has health benefits.” same old crap. Look, I can see the benefits of eating food for it’s nutritional value and all, but is that what food has become to us? Just fuel for our tanks? That seems like a crappy relationship to have with food.

I remember reading in their letters section someone had complained about the hypocritical nature of this, and they said they were changing. Well, that change lasted about an issue, because every month it’s the same old “best abs/ best butt/ best arms/ best bikini bod/ best whatever” and “good food/bad food” trash. I won’t lie and say they’ve gotten worse, they are much better about this than when I first started reading the magazine two years ago- they had weight loss stories galore. I remember one that I photochopied and would re-read over and over again because the girl looked like me in the before picture, and if she could do it, I could to! Atleast now the magazine stresses healful eating for the sake that it is good for your body, not that it will help you shed pounds.

This month’s magazine also has an article about Eating Disorders (which, again, ironic considering the magazine’s continuous usage of calories and all the advertisment’s airbrushed models). The one section of the magazine featured “Secret Triggers”, and one of them was food labels.

With so many foods marked “diet” or “low-cal”, you may think it’s wrong not to eat them. But they can make you feel obsessive about counting fat and calories.

Which, again, is ironic considering how the magazine stresses low calorie, low fat type food options.

I’m not an expert on eating disorders (and I won’t pretend to be) so I can’t say wether they handled the subject correctly or not. To me atleast, it seemed like a good and informational article, and they had a “Getting Help” section. While I was looking through the comments on Seventeen’s Myspace page I saw this comment:

I like your magazine. I do have a suggestion. They always have models as, like, really skinny. And very rarely do I see average looking people in your magazine. I mean, I will never be able to look like those girls because I’m not built like that. And I don’t want to. But I used to stress out alwys wanting to. Putting egular people in there and not just professional models may add readers to your magazine but also, help girls. It really just puts pressure on them because they think the “right way” to look is like what everyone is in Hollywood.

Also, I’d like to suggest something about your eating disorders articles. When you put articles in there saying “This is how you know if you have an eating disorder…”, it really just gives girls and guys step-by-step directions on how to be anorexic or bulimic. I know people who used teen magazines to have an eating disorder to get skinnier. And I thought that your magazine was trying to help. And it was really disappointing.

I think Seventeen has improved greatly in the two years since I have had the magazine (though has also taken some steps back with all their mixed messages), and their Body Peace Project is a great start, but it seems like they still have a long way to go. I’ll continue to read the magazine until my subscription is up in December, but once that ends I’m making the switch to BUST and giving them my subscription money.

*Edit* I just saw this post whilst catching up on my fatosphere reading, which lead me to this post as well. I am SO done with Seventeen.

As of right now, this fat girl is on vacation!

You don’t think I would just leave ya’ll like that?

Okay, I AM on vacation, and I am setting this post to publish Saturday morning, at which time I will sleeping in the car beginning the 12 hour ride to South Carolina, where every year my family stays on Hilton Head Island for two weeks. (12 hours stuck in the car with your younger sister and mother is not the most fun in the world, but I survive.. I try to sleep half the way lol)

For the past few years I have had an “online presence” or whatever (not the blog, but deviantart), I am stuck without internet for two weeks. But, with luck, this year will be different! Now that I have my laptop I am taking it with me, as my Aunt mentioned that she thinks there is WiFi for the condo we stay at. I really hope this is the case. If it isn’t, well.. I’ll figure something out. But don’t expect any comments to be approved until Sunday maybe, and if there is nothing from me by Monday, I havn’t figured out how to get connected to the internet yet, or I am not able to.

As such, I have 2 new posts written up already, and I am debating what I want to do with them. I was going to post one tomorrow, but I could set to publish them during the two weeks I am away- though I can’t approve comments anyway so there wouldn’t be much of a point..

Anyway, I figured I would just make everyone aware of where I am at. Hopefully I’ll have some new pictures/adventures to blog about. I really hope I will have internet access, if for nothing else to be able to update this blog.

I Just thought I would give a quick shout out to our very own “Adventures of Nerd Girl” and my bestie Emuhlee! Happy 18th! (You may now be tried as an adult!! HAHA! lol! Still Juvie for me!! mwharharhaharha)

…(that last part was a joke. lol).

(sorry for the lack of posting- I’ve been rather busy this week, and I’ve been trying to get ready for vacation ~more info on that tomorrow~ but I am alive. I wasn’t sure what to blog about so I looked through my drafts and found a post that i wrote at the end of April, that I never posted, and edited it a tad.)

Okay, I love watching What Not to Wear. I love it when someone on their show has the same body type as me, and I can learn what clothes will slim look best on me (the “slimming” issue is… well, a whole ‘nother issue). I find the show itself to just be addicting and fun to watch.

But everytime I watch it, I just think “Who the fuck cares?”.

I understand if you need a certain wadrobe for work you can’t be wearing tube socks and bra straps on your neck, but for everything else - why does it matter? If you want to wear something because you feel comfortable and are happy and feel good wearing it, who has the right to tell you that you can’t wear it? I don’t care if it is fashionable or not. I don’t care if it fits right or not. Not to mention that some people have their own style. Just because it isn’t the “right” style doesn’t mean it’s wrong. The one girl that was on wore all gothy clothes (which I used to be a big fan of two years ago), and she got trashed. Some people may “hide” behidn their clothes, but many people just like the style. They like it and it’s their choice. Isn’t fashion an individual thing?

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE clothes, and I love shopping. I love finding outfits that I just want to make a “BAM” sound effect when I see myself in the mirror. But I don’t see what the big deal is. Not every person is a clothing/shopping freak like I am. I for the most part I ususally think the people on the show do actually look better and seem to feel much better about themsevles. Maybe some people don’t want to look better though. Maybe they just don’t give a fugg about it (Arguably those people would not accept being on the show then…). But some people just don’t care what other people think of them. And I would venture to say many of them aren’t using that as a “front”, they really don’t value their worth based on other people’s perceptions.

Why do clothes have to be flattering? Why do clothes have to be slimming? How the hell do clothes represent who you are a person? THEY’RE CLOTHES! Swatches of fabric! They might reflect your taste in clothing, but that really isn’t a great way to judge a person. One of the reasons I like clothes that I’ve made myself (okay, one skirt with kitties all over it when I was in 7th grade that my grandma pretty much made but made it seem like I did lol) is because I’m proud of the work I put into making them. That skirt was mine, no one else’s. I designed it and everything. It was me. Why does someone feel the need to judge my clothing? Don’t they have their own clothing to worry about? (not in the sense that it is bad and need to worry about, just like that they have their business to deal with, and should bother with mine.)

I know I do judge based on clothing appearance at time, I wish I didn’t, but I do. I see someone and think “WHAT ARE THEY WEARING??”. It’s not like I really care that much, I just immediatly think that. At the same time I do understand that it’s just clothing. Nowaday I am a lot better with this, because, again, I just don’t care. It’s cool that you have your own style.

It seems like they are projecting clothing as a fantasy. Once you get this brand new wadrobe, your whole life will change! I mean, that IS what they do at the end of the episode.

What I do like about the show is that they look for clothes that fit now. They emphasize to buy clothes that fit NOW, not clothes that fit ten years ago, or clothes that will fit once you lose 15 pounds. (I get sick of them congratulating people who lost weight.. but maybe that’s just me). And that it is never the person’s fault, but the clothes fault if something doesn’t fit.

I do like the hosts of the show… It seems like Clinton and Stacey do want the best for the people they are making over. I don’t really know how to describe it, but I just like them.

Oh, but how I hate my love/hate relationship with that show lol..

(just to let out my nervousness: Ahhh!! It’s my first day at work on my own now that I am done with training!!! I am feeling a little lot scared…but do have this odd feeling that I might be able to handle it… might… ughh I just want it to be over with…)

thanks for deleting my post. really.
you know, i wasn’t even saying anything against you or any other fat people, i was just coming from a different standpoint. i was being entirely objective, but i guess because i didn’t kiss your ass about it i got deleted.
are you always so goddamn preachy? THAT’S probably why you can’t hang with the “mean girls.” it’s not because you’re fat, it’s just because you always BITCH about being fat. sooner or later sweety you’re going to have to grow up.

look forward to seeing you on a commercial for montel

I have to say, by leaving this comment you really aren’t making me want to rush back approve your comment, honestly….

And for the record, I was on the fence about whether i wanted to approve your comment or not. (And how do you even know that I outright deleted it? Whose to say I just didn’t get to it, or missed it on my list? How would you have even known anyway?) Sadly, this line had me leaning toward the not,

but if you’re fat and you keep having to find ways to CONVINCE yourself that you’re happy, don’t be afraid to pick that salad back up. because even though we’re all gonna die in the end, it doesn’t mean you have to make due with with what you’ve got. after all, it’s not where you’re going, it’s how you get there. and you shouldn’t have to settle for coach.

This is motivational speaking at it’s best! You can change! And yes, because being fat is like settling for coach. Plus, you can always starve yourself with only eating salads to make yourself thin, because you think that will make you happier. Even though you don’t even like salad, you should eat it because it is better than a taco and will make you thin and happy. The one thing I hate about America is how most Americans are never happy with what they have. The American Dream is about how you can be better than before! What is wrong with how you are now? Why do people feel like they have to be better? Maybe the reason aren’t happy with what they’ve got is that they’ve been told that what they’ve got isn’t good enough and that they can have more!

(also, the whole ‘not capitolizing the first word of every sentence’ thing, tends to get on my nerves a lot. And the long run on paragraph. But maybe that’s just me)

Oh yes, the reason I did not accept your comment was because you didn’t kiss my ass enough. HOW DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT!! MY SECRET!!

And my god, I am SUCH a BITCHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Look at me, being a woman and being a bitch! How horrific! I am soooo going to end up on Montel because I didn’t approve a comment on MY OWN BLOG.

Seriously, I was starting to get over the ‘make a post out of a troll’ thing. I was tempted to make a post of this person’s comment, but decided I would just let it go. And it felt so much better.

Can I just say (actually, I can, it’s my blog)… THAT THIS IS MY BLOG! Why do people have such a hard time accepting that? Look, the worlds not ending because I didn’t approve your comment. I don’t have to approve your comment. Again, I really don’t see how leaving the above comment would lead to me approving the original comment. Maybe if said person would’ve asked nicely or something, but just yelling at me and calling me insecure and a bitch for not approving your comment, really doesn’t make me feel like APPROVING YOUR COMMENT.

Ugh..

Soooooooooo.. I had my appointment last night.

And I got it all cut off.

And boy oh boy I am glad that I did.

I can actually run my fingers through my hair. It is wonderful!

I am a bit worried after I wash it.. Because hair looks great when the hairdresser does it, but when I am forced to do it on my own… ehhh not so much. I am still shocked at how straight it looks. All she did was stick some smoothing gel in it, and pull it out while blowdrying it, then put some other straightening/smoothing cream (and she said to straighten it out alittle more with a straighter/curling iron if you have too).. Which is good, because I don’t like straightening my hair very much (with a straightener kind of thing). If i can get my hair to come out the way it is in those pics, I am going to have a blast styling it.

And omg my head feels SO much lighter!!

I think I have realized that I am just not made for long hair. I think it can look gorgeous, just as short hair can, but I cannot stand the feeling of having hair on my neck. I just can’t. It unnerves me too much. Plus, this will be soo much nicer while I am in South Carolina on vacation in less than 2 weeks.

(Plus, this cut looks totally cute with my pink glasses!)

My mom said it makes me look older and more sophisticated. Which is good, because I am sick of people thinking my 14 year old sister is the one going off to college. That is SO ANNOYING!

Anyway, probably nothing new from me till Sunday. I have to work tonight (I will be my 3 out of 4 training days.. I’m so scared! I only have two more days left with someone else there! AHH! I’m so nervous I will mess up or not know the answer or not know what to do! And I HATE feeling that way. I mean, I feel like I know quite a bit more than when I started (when I knew nothing), but at the same time I feel like there is so much that I don’t know. Then again, I think about it so much everything will probably be drilled into my brain soon. Seriously, when I go to sleep I start thinking about work, what I know, what I did, what I don’t know, what I wish I knew.. At 2 in the morning I was still thinking about it, so I turned on my laptop and typed up a list! A LIST! My craziness manifests itself. Atleast it did help, since I stopped thinking about it.

And, apparently we are going to Hersheypark tomorrow (Thanks for letting me know, family!). I do want to go on the new coaster they have, but at the same time, the aggravation that going to Hersheypark instills makes it seem not worth it. I cannot STAND my mother on these kinds of trips! It sucks the fun out of everything and just makes everyone miserable. Not to mention, I am working tonight, Hersheypark tomorrow, then working again on Saturday! Ugh, I guess work is just making me have a nervy spazz, when I really needn’t bother.

I just hate being in new situations and not knowing how to react to them, or what to do, or what I should be doing. I guess I just have to learn to be confident in my abilities. I mean, my dad told me that even if I make a mistake I “will not be the downfall of the entire Target coorporation”. Which is true. At worst I’ll run a little late- the lady training me said I am very personable and do a good job, just need to be a little faster, but that will come with time. Thinking about it now, I have learned a great deal in only 2 days of working there. I havn’t messed up majorly yet. I just feel like there are so many little things that could go wrong or that i won’t know. But I guess I can always press the nifty assistance needed button on the register. I hate being on the spot and not knowing what to do though… I panic.

Well, atleast I will have awesome hair.

So, a few weeks ago I had went to the doctor’s to get a checkup I needed for college, and the did the whole height and weight thing, and then you in a room and they do the check up and such. I had pretty much forgot about the experience until I was looking through my college box (which has pretty much every paper ever receieved from my college lol) and was organizing it. Whilst doing that I came across a photocopy of the examination thing, and I saw my weight is now 213 lbs. I think I saw that as I watched the nurse do the scale thingie, but I forgot about it. At first, I couldn’t beleive I was actually over 200 pounds. My stupid brain popped in for a chat and was all “omg, you’ve done it now fattie” but then my intellectual brain was thinking “hm, I don’t feel any different than I did before”. For the past few years I’ve always weighed in the 180 area. I used to think “omg 190!” when I actually hit that number. When I was going to Curves I was around 170, and pretty much never went lower than that.

I don’t have a scale at home so I never check my weight. I guess I just feel surprised because I don’t feel any different. I thought I would still be in the 190 zone because, like I said, I feel the same as I did then. I don’t feel like a different person or some monster or anything. Does this actually make me fat now? Because on Deviantart I have gotten comments many times tell me that “You’re not fat!”, because that is a compliment (obviously… not). I dunno, I don’t even feel like I look all that different.

I guess my reaction is actually pretty good. I don’t feel the need to run my ass off and starve myself into the next decade. I just feel indifferent. It doesn’t seem like anything has changed except a number. I mean I always feel like I should exercise more, because I know it is good for the body. I just hate doing it. I mean, I love the feeling you get when you are done. I can’t describe how good that feels. But I hate the running and the sweating. I loved playing soccer, but I was never the fast one no matter what I did. I was great at my position, my position just wasn’t that of front line. I have bellydancing, yoga, and salsa dancing DVDs, and I do enjoy doing them sometimes, but I get bored following a tape. It gets boring to me. I like swimming, but I get bored after 5 minutes of it. I could go for a walk, but it gets boring. I don’t like running. I got exercise at school during gym class and walking around all day, but during the summer I don’t really do much. (Now that I a job I will be doing more, since I’m on my feet the entire time). But I just don’t know what type of exercising I like. And I’m not talking about this because I want to be a “good fattie”, I just want to like to exercise. I just wish I new what I liked.

You know, this is just one of the reasons I don’t like summer. I hate the sweating, I hate the frizzy ball of fluff that my hair becomes, I hate the humidity, I hate how I have nothing to do. I just don’t like summer.

Sorry that this post is rather pointless, I just needed to let feelings out. Plus, tonight is my second time working, and now I feel even more nervous that the first time I had to work. Why am I such a nervous wreck all the time? Plus, my hair appointment is tomorrow and I still have no idea what i want to do with it…. ugh.

On the brightside- isn’t that mermaid picture the cutest?