Ugh.. I must be having one of those days…. I’m just not feeling too hot right about now.
I hate feeling like this. On most days I am pretty good with my body, definitely better that I was a few years ago. But I still lack inner confidence a lot in real life (much as I love to spout it here).
Recently though, I feel as though I have gained some more weight. I’m not sure how to feel. I havn’t put on 50 pounds in a week or anything, I just feel as though I have gotten fatter. I can still wear my clothes but it feels like the fit different.
I just feel so frustrated. Like, I can’t get away from people talking about weight. It came up in the car on the way to school. My dad and sister were talking about how my dad bought my mom a gift certificate to go to a massage place, then my sister asked why she never used it and still complains about wanting a massage. My dad said “she has issues with her weight/ she has problems with her weight”. It just made me pissed off. I am so over my parents issues with their bodies. My dad thinks my mom was crazy for marrying him because he doesn’t think he was a good looking guy. My mom never lost her pregnancy weight and has big boobs and a big tummy and I can tell she hates herself. We go shopping and I try to cheer her up. I can stand being around this negativity… I just can’t take it anymore.
It came up in homeroom- My one friend- who used to have anorexia and weight issues, got called “Bessie” by someone. My friend said that she used to be like 190 and short and was chubby, then she lost a lot of weight, and now is 145 – “right weight for my height” is what she said. I dunno, the whole thing kinda bothered me. Those stupid thoughts creep into my head: “if she lost weight, then you should too” “She used to be like you, now she is normal! You could be normal too!”. Not to mention my thought: “Damn, if they said she was a Bessie, what does that fucking make me?” I put on a “i’ll beat up whoever said that” persona, but I felt kinda twisted inside after that. I hear someone refer to their ass as an “obese butt”. It’s like I can’t get away.
Honestly, I just don’t want weight to be a factor. That’s probably my only problem with fat blogs/ fatosphere- I have to hear things about bodies and weight all the time. I was happy with my body and my weight, but I am so sick of having to hear about it. It’s like a trigger. I’d rather it just be a non factor- everytime the conversation changes to a weight related topic, I can have a mute button inside my head.
Not to mention everytime I hear anything relative to body size, I feel like I am being attacked. I know most of the time that isn’t the case and I am being paranoid. People don’t seem to think that whenever they call themsevles fat it affects me. What does that make me? I would kill to look like you! etc, etc. They don’t recognize their own beauty. And I am not blind to know that I am not the fattest person ever, so I know that it won’t make anyone bigger than me feel better if I am complaining. So I feel like a hypocrite. And I know all people have body image problems- even the thin ones. It’s just, when I hear them complain, the people who have the “perfect body”, I just feel like shit; “Fuck, atleast you don’t look like me!” comes to mind. Or (again) “I will kill to look like you”. I hate when those thoughts come into my head.
Not to mention in high school I am surrounded by all the “beauty queens”. In my grade, thankfully, there aren’t that many “mean girls”- most of the popular girls are nice to me. But just being surrounded by them makes me feel lower. I see all of my best friends and I see how gorgeous they all are- even if they don’t see it. Maybe being the ugly fat girl gives you the gift of seeing beauty in others, because you can’t always see it in yourself.
Right now is one of those times. I can’t see it right now. It’s not hard to understand why so many fat people want to lose weight and just be normal and be like everyone else. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that girl who hated herself and just wanted to change- who had the hope and fantasy to change.
I hate that society has done this to me, I have that people have done this to me, and I hate that I continue to do this to myself.
I’m just so sick of it all and I really don’t know what else to say..
It’s okay. Listen, you’re just going to have to get over this hump. Everybody has days like that. We feel we don’t match up to our peers. I feel like that whenever I make a piece of artwork I don’t Like. I look at other peoples work and I feel like a failure. I know it’s not exactly what you’re talking about, but it’s the best I got.
As for all the negativity that’s around you, just remember that you are beautiful and healthy, and you only have to account for you. Just enjoy life (remember, we only have one shot at it).
Hugs,
Eric Noble
By: Eric Noble on March 27, 2008
at 6:21 pm
oh goodness…
I have felt the exact same way the past few days… what doesn’t help is I have a fiance who claims to love me for who I am but I can’t get over the fact that I will never be “sexy” or “hott” and I want so much for him to take pleasure in me… bleh.. ok I’ll stop whining to you about this..lol but yeah good post.. thank you for being so real and honest
By: Hannah on March 27, 2008
at 8:14 pm
Hang in there Liz- it really sucks right now. I feel that now more than ever people are comparing themselves to me. Someone’s actually said that she wishes she were uglier like me, just so that she wouldn’t have guy problems. It’s not exactly a good feeling.
I wish I had some awesome words of wisdom for you. I promise I’ll let you know when I find the solution.
By: Allie on March 27, 2008
at 8:22 pm
I feel this very same way – the only difference is that I’ve moved on to the college world where there are entire buildings full of those “perfect people” (who also feel the need to flaunt their bodies in skimpy clothing etc). I feel attacked every time someone comments about my weight because I’m normally the largest in the group, and just like you said you wonder to yourself “If they are saying that about themselves, what do they think of you?” or “I would give ANYTHING to be your size.” I also find the same in the blog world – I tend to get jealous of those bloggers that have fully accepted themselves and I feel that if they were my size that it would be different.
I don’t have the magic fix for the problem – if I did I’d have definitely used it by now. Even the “you aren’t alone” doesn’t help when you are constantly bombarded by the same crap every day.
By: Celeste on March 28, 2008
at 1:04 am
I don’t know if it will help you to remember that even if you *tried* to be a different size, that you would not in any way be guaranteed success . . .
but maybe it WILL help you to know that at my ten-year high school reunion, most of the “skinny girls” from high school were no longer, um . . . quite so skinny.
You’re going against a pretty strong current . . . it’s almost inevitable that you would have moments of self-doubt–but don’t give up . . . no matter what the rest of the world tries to tell you, you are actually light-years ahead and saving yourself so much grief by embracing this way of thinking.
don’t give up!
By: laterain on March 28, 2008
at 2:13 am
Everyone, and I do mean everyone, has body issues and peoples’ self-perception tends to be way different than other peoples’ perception of them. In other words ‘We are our worst ennemies/critics’ and we are the tougher one ourselves than other people are on us.
How you are feeling, I have felt countless times, just like the next person feels now or someone will feel in the future. It’s not a good feeling, I know, but it does help to know there are lots of people who feel the exact same way as you do.
High School is a difficult time for just about everyone when it comes to body image. Myself, I was a lot skinnier in high school and I was constantly worried about gaining weight because I was always around those skinny complaining girls, and being a high school girl you tend to be very competitive. Since graduating in 2002, that’s when I put on all my ‘extra’ weight. I’ve put on about 60lbs since then, and I hate it. But people tell me I look much better. It’s so hard to listen to them when I feel so crappy about my body image.
What you’re doing with your blog is an inspiration for many women, and it’s okay to feel the way you are. It wont always be like this, so remember that. You’re beautiful, so keep your chin up…better days are coming!
By: cuddlynn on March 28, 2008
at 7:53 am
I hate to tell you this, but the best thing I found in high school is that it ends. Really, it does, and college will be better.
By: A'tuin on March 28, 2008
at 7:57 am
Yea, I’m having that kind of day too. I looked in the mirror and all of a sudden I felt as if I looked like the incredible hulk, my magic jeans didn’t make my thighs look thinner and my tummy seemed to be sticking out more. To top it off I had to go shopping and only 2 things fit me properly.I think I’ve put on weight too but it’s ok, I’m going to cut down on the chocolate, and just focus on my new job. Worse things could happen in life and I’m still freakin’ cute.
By: Lu on March 28, 2008
at 6:00 pm
My four years of high school I consider the worst time in my life. Not only are you surrounded by a microcosm (a great SAT word, by the way) for four years of your life, you find yourself constantly guarding yourself against those people you see every day and cannot avoid. I think it became better for me in college; that small group of high schoolers split up and multiplies by 10, meaning that the likelihood of meeting more assholes statistically decreases. Keep your chin up. If I can do it living in a Middle Eastern country where guys feel the need to constantly whistle and catcall at you (bastards, the whole lot of them), so can you. And feel free to email me any time.
By: Shayna on March 29, 2008
at 3:30 pm
First of all, you’re NOT the “ugly fat girl.”
I’ve seen your pictures and you’re beautiful. Fat, thin or in between, you’re a beautiful girl.
Weight is out there – it’s going to be talked about. All the time.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I get the feeling that you feel you’re letting yourself down by having these negative feelings about weight.
Being overweight is a drag. No matter how much we tell ourselves we “accept” ourselves, waaay, deep, down, inside, we don’t.
There. I said it.
If stuff around you is triggering old feelings, then maybe you haven’t really accepted your weight and body the way you’d hoped. If, after all is said and done, your weight bothers you more than you like to admit, it’s okay to try and lose weight. You’re not letting anyone down.
Let’s face it, if a magic fairy appeared and wanted to grant us thinness, I don’t think there’s a fat girl out there, who would say, “Oh, no thanks, I like myself the way I am, I prefer to stay fat, thank you very much.”
I’m fat and I told myself, for years, that I “accept” being fat, but you know what? I really didn’t and once I accepted THAT, I was happier.
It’s not a failure to admit to yourself or realize that you’d rather be thin or thinner than you are. I always say it’s not so much that I want to be thin, but I don’t want to be as fat as I am.
Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. It’s fine to accept yourself and have a good self-image, but don’t lock yourself into the defiant overweight girl image. You’re so much more than that.
You’re a beautiful, smart, witty, perceptive, talented, young woman who happens to be overweight. That’s the package right now. The package can change and that’s okay. Accept yourself for right now, but also accept that it’s possible to change.
You can still have that hope and fantasy to change – without hating yourself.
No hate, okay?
By: firstsister on March 30, 2008
at 5:04 pm
I’m responding to this post because it’s the one that hits me the most (I just started reading your blog recently…newcomer to FA). This was exactly where I was four years ago when I was your age. I was in that place where one day, I’d feel great about myself and my weight, and the next, I’d hate myself for it. My time in High School definitely made me stronger because of those weaker moments.
I’d like to say that After three years in college, I’ve changed, but that wouldn’t be true. There are still days when I wake up and I think, “God. I wish I didn’t look like this.” But they’re definitely more rare. And I’ve gotten it down to maybe once a month, if that. Usually fewer. Someone else commented that college will be better for you. It’s true in many ways, but I’d like to say that it’ll only be better if you make it better. If you stop caring about your weight and just BE YOURSELF. That’s something I’ve learned. I surround myself with people who don’t care that I’m fat, and it makes me not care.
But most of all, I’ve learned to care about being myself more than I care about what other people think of me. That’s the most fantastic thing in the world because it has made me more confident, made me more friends, and made me more beautiful.
I can’t say that my occasional shitty days where I hate my weight will ever truly leave me. There’s just too much subconscious hate of my fat. But girl, we gotta get up and stand against it. Let’s do it together!
You are beautiful. You are hilarious and sassy (that’s why I love your blog). And you are in such a better place than most people your age (and most people mine). So be fat. Be proud. And keep lovin’ yourself the way you are!
Besos.
P.S. I’d love to email you about the possibility of you being in an FA documentary I’m planning on making. Could you contact me at CJWid87 at hotmail dot com if you’re interested? I’d really love it!
By: Chrissy on April 2, 2008
at 8:01 am