I’ve been reading the reply’s to this post, and it have made me think about myself.
I know I am only 17, but I can relate. High School is a never ending pool of people having sex and boyfriends. I had a boyfriend in 10th grade, but we never had sex. I get sick of hearing about it. It makes you feel like you are a fugly person, because you aren’t doing it. Same goes for a boyfriend. If you don’t have one, then that must mean you are a loser. 11th grade was tough for me because after I broke up with my boyfriend, the reality came crushing down on me that no one else wanting to go out with me. Now, a year and a half later, I have grown so much.
I was so whiney and complained about myself all the time when I was going out with my ex boyfriend. How in the hell he put up with it is anyone’s guess. I liked the reassurance he gave me. It made me feel good, I mean, someone found me beautiful for once! But it also gave me power, and I liked that. But I really had no idea what I was doing. Looking back on it now, I just think “If we were going out now… well, damn I wouldn’t been a much better, loving girlfriend, rather than a self hating helpless one”, since I have changed a lot. After breaking up with him, I have had time to learn more about myself.
And when I think about it now, dating in high school is so stupid. This is the time when you should be learning more about yourself and, obviously, what you are learning about in class. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice that to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
I spent a long time feeling bad about all that, because I bought the idea that in order to live a normal, happy life, you “had” to do all that stuff in your teens, and I felt like a big freak.
I teach high school, and it has been eye opening. Those relationships I had so coveted weren’t so bright and shiny from an adult perspective. In fact, I have started to believe that dating in your teens is a really BAD idea, and I am thankful I didn’t do it.
I second that! I’m not an adult yet, but I am starting to see how stupid it is to date in high school.
okay, I kinda got off topic with this post. What i wanted to talk about what how maybe my self confidence isn’t that great. I feel like when I take pictures or when I post blogs, I have this kick-ass persona that I put forth. Online I can be who I want to be and let out my feelings. I can shine as brightly as I want here, but in real life, if you put me in a room full of people you won’t notice me. I won’t be the popular one. But in real life I’m scared to pick up a telephone and call someone. I guess the boyfriend thing can fit into this, because before I went out with him I was really shy, then I was not as shy but dependent on him, but after I broke up with him I did become a bit more confident. I feel like I do have a voice now, I am still scared to use it.
On that post (link above) the comments all said confidence is key. Maybe I don’t know what confidence is. If that is going up to a guy and demanding to dance… I could never do that. If confidence means thinking what you want and speaking up when necessary, I might have that in me. If it’s doing what you want to make you happy, I know I have that in me. I believe your life is your life, so you better damn well be happy.
I have confidence with my friends.. atleast I think I do. Maybe I just hide behind my laughter a lot. And then I am all loud and silly and obnoxious. It can be fun sometimes, but I don’t know if I like it. I don’t know if that is me. Maybe I just think it is… I feel like if I am the goofy happy girl, I will be remembered. I have no idea.. I’m just sick of being annoying. i know I am. I don’t know why I do it. I just want to be normal. I’m sick of laughing at everything. I feel like I do it because that what everyone expects me to do. Because if I am not laughing, then something must be wrong. Maybe I am just overanalyzing myself and I do laugh normally. I don’t know. I am generally a happy person, I have a positive outlook on life and I am very optimistic. But maybe I just push that too much… gah I don’t know!
I am so scared to leave home for college, because I will be on my own. I’m so scared. I think about so many things. Like, what do I do if I need a new sink, what if my car gets broken, how do I do taxes, how do I buy a house, how do I buy a car.. So many stupid questions. It just seems like there are so many little things in life to do deal with, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it. I’m one of those people who need to be told how to do everything. I need to explicit instructions. Vagueness does me no good. I am bad at dealing with it. I need a guide book for life or something I swear.
Right now i have my parents to fall back on. I don’t need to know anything. I have to do things for school, but I don’t really have to know them because they don’t matter yet. But once I get to college, i’m going to have to understand things and know them. When I get a job I will have to understand things and know them, or someone could die.
My biggest problem is that I don’t know how to talk to strangers. I am good when I am comfortable, but I am stressed and scared when I am not. Again, college. I’m not going to know anybody. What if they don’t like me? How will I make friends? I havn’t had to make any friends since 6th grade, how does it work? What if I don’t make any friends?…. I don’t know how to approach or talk to someone. But I don’t like totally rellying on someone to come to me.
Strangers make me nervous and scare me, but I don’t know how to deal with that. And I need to deal with it. But i’m just so nervousnervousnervous and scaredscaredscared.
I know that when I go to college I am going to revert back to a shy person who looks at the floor instead of the ceiling. But I don’t know how to stop that. I just want to be normal. Not a freak or a weirdo or a shy girl. I just want to be comfortable… But it’s so hard.
This is reminding me a lot of me other post that I made before.
This is part of my resistance to go to a Women’s College, because I was to be the girl across the room that a boy notices.
Thankfully, I think I am past this. I no longer want to go to BU because of the boys, it just has more of what I want. I don’t care if I get a boyfriend or not anymore, I just want to have a good experience and learn what I need to learn.
I think I have confidence inside me somewhere. I want to be happy, I want to be able to handle situations, I want to be able to talk to strangers, I want to be able to be okay on my own, I want to be confident. It’s there, but I don’t know how to reach it.
This post is so rambled and is not very cohesive, so I am sorry about that. But if you can manage to get through it and offer any advice, that would be nice. I guess what I am basicaly asking is, How do I boost my self confidence? How do I make new friends? How do I learn to talk to strangers and handle new situations without freaking out? How do I learn to just USE THE TELEPHONE AND STOP BEING STUPID?
Maybe I am still trying to accept myself and love who I am. Maybe I’m not as strong as I think I am/ potray myself as. I’m not quite there yet.
Gah, sorry this is just another confusing post about me being confused and scared.
I was like you too at 17, still am sometimes. I was invisible in school and in college everyone thought I was snobby not shy :S.But some how I’ve grown out of it a bit. It is a slow process and it had a lot to do with me feeling inferior and insecure about myself. But at this new job of mine, I can’t afford to be shy and I’ve learned that if you’re friendly or at least smiley, people respond positively. I’m the only fat girl at work, man! And normally I would be really quite and too insecure to talk to anyone but now I’m just like “fuck it” so what, not every skinny girl is a bitch and not every guy on this planet wants hot friends. You just gotta put yourself out there and make the effort, it’s hard but it gets easier after a while. Yes, there are losers out there but there r are also really nice people out there too. With the phone thing, I only got over it after I worked as a receptionist and once again it was practice. I’m still a bit crappy at callin up new friends to talk but I try sometimes.
Because of you and other blogs, I dress up all cute and see a cute reflection. I also do this in hope that I am being a role model for other fat girls around me, if it’s the girl at a restaurant or on the street. I have off days too where my ass is too big for those jeans or whatever. We’re human!! you have a good head on so I’m sure you’ll be fine on your own. Growing up is hard but it has its fun parts too, you’ll find out soon enough 
Girl, you’re 17. Take a break from stressing and just let yourself grow up at your own pace- you’re already heaps ahead most of us
By: Lu on April 12, 2008
at 2:35 pm
You’re so right–except for those who marry their high school sweethearts (or start families with them) a time comes when you don’t even think about them anymore. Just the other day I was trying to remember my first boyfriend’s name!
By: Mitsy on April 12, 2008
at 5:57 pm
I realize that once you (and I) get started thinking about the future, it’s difficult to stop. But I really think maybe you should start listening to “Let It Be.” That’s my new mantra… or whatever, and you should also adopt it.
To get better with talking to people you don’t know on the phone, you just have to start trying. Just give it a try with something that doesn’t matter at all, like calling a college to get a question you have answered. Really, no one cares all that much if you stumble on a word or talk in a circle for a bit. You should hear me taking reservations at the campground.
E: Did you have a campsite in mind?
Person: What do you reccomend for a 32 ft. trailer?
E: Um, hold on. Let me check. *shuffles papers nervously* Um, do you want to be near a bathroom? Oh, sorry, there’s nothing near the bathroom. How about 90? Oh wait, never mind- that site’s not available… Um, okay, I’ve never seen it, but site 73 looks good. Erm… yea.
Person: *starting to get weirded out* I don’t know if it’s good… you tell me. You work there.
E: I’m sorry about this, I’m new at the campground.
Person: Oh, don’t worry about it, I understand.
Being awkward on the phone is something everyone has to get over. We just chose to do it late in our teenage years.
As for the whole “talking to strangers” thing, didn’t yo momma tell you that was bad?
By: Emuhlee on April 12, 2008
at 9:25 pm
So I know this will probably sound totally cliche, but the thing about college is that EVERYBODY is looking to make new friends, so it isn’t as scary and daunting as it sounds. There’s freshman orientation and dorm events and silly getting to know you games. The best advice I have is go to ALL of these events.
Also, I don’t know the schools you are looking at, but even at super big state schools (like the one I went to), we had some classes that were fairly small (30 people) as freshman to make the transition to college not so scary. I met one of my closest friends in my first semester writing class….6 years later, we are still roommates!
Knowing you have the confidence inside of you is the first big step. I didn’t date at all in high school and when I was 17, never in a million years did I think I would have the confidence to ask out a guy. Well, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, all because I ASKED HIM OUT.
My best advice would be to push yourself slowly-like make yourself go to all the welcome events for freshman, even if you don’t want to, be open and responsive when people try and talk to you, eventually, try starting conversations with people yourself -things like that.
I know it’s scary-hell, I’m scared about having to make new friends again when I start law school in the fall-but it’s also going to be a fantastic experience.
P.S. about the talking on the phone thing-really, the only way to get over it is to just do it over and over and over. I used to hate talking to people I didn’t know very well on eht phone (making dr.s appts, calling to order a pizza, etc), but then I had to do it for my job. I used to get really really nervous, but now I’ve done it so much, it doesn’t bother me anymore. Just my 2cents
By: Alexis on April 13, 2008
at 1:19 am
Liz,
stop stressing! ~_^
Like Alexis said (and I’ve said before) college is a way to make a fresh start. Seriously, go to all the ‘get to know you’
events and seriously consider going to Pledge Week if (for no other reason) than to look into a Greek Social Sorority (or even Women’s Fraternity). We might have a bad reputation (deservedly so, I sadly might add), but there is alot you can learn if you find the right group. I lucked out and found an awesome fraternity (Sigma Alpha Mu) and pledged only to become a brother later (I never thought I would make it, but I did).
One other piece of advice, and believe me you’ll want to listen. Be careful in college. If you go to a party, for God’s sake go with friends (not just one, multiple friends). College is fun, but you need to get a little ’situational awareness’ so as to ensure you will be safe (yes, yes, it sounds paranoid). Anyway, this is all in the future. Just have fun being a minor still, cause adulthood has some major suckage in store for you.
By: Brooklyn Red Leg on April 13, 2008
at 9:05 am
I remember in high school, I figured there was probably something wrong with me, as I had never been fancied and no one had ever shown interest. I look back and realize that I was probably somehow very intimidating, and that now I’m glad I didn’t have a S.O. in high school, since I don’t much care for anyone I knew them.
As far as college, if you live in the dorm, it’s highly possible that your RA will start some “hey n00bs!” sort of programs, so you can get out, get to meet people, have people know who you are and something about you. My RA did a “My talent is…” sort of program, under the guise that you could probably go talk to someone with similar interests.
You’ll also have your roomie, and the people in your classes, and perhaps random people that strike up conversations. That’s how I met one of my closest friends, at a series of bus stops.
By: Jess on April 13, 2008
at 10:44 am
Sometimes I seriously wonder if you’re me incarnate from when I was in high school. I’m finishing my Junior year of College right now, and let me tell you, everything you’re afraid of is legitimate, but surpassable. First and foremost, you WILL make friends, no matter what. I know it’s all new, but you really just have to dive in those first few weeks and meet people. I have tonnnnns of friends that I made in the first week of classes, and I also met tons of people I’ve never spoken to again. But even if it’s just a quick “Hi! I’m Liz.” in the hallway, or “What’d you think of so-and-so’s class yesterday?” in the cafeteria, you’ll find that there will be people you connect to and continue to talk to.
I am one of those always laughing, often obnoxious, but nervously shy girls, and despite my shyness, I have a ton of friends here at school. I don’t think you will have trouble with that part. I think that’s the scariest bit.
As far as talking to strangers goes, I’d say that sometimes you just have to make a fool of yourself. For instance, I’m an avid Harry Potter fan, and in my first hall meeting sophomore year, a girl was introducing herself by saying “Hi, I’m K from London, and an interesting fact about me is that I was an extra in the Harry Potter movies.” I literally SCREAMED across the room, “OH MY GOD, YOU JUST LIVED MY DREAM!” Everyone laughed, and I was incredibly embarrassed, but afterwards people kept coming up to me and asking me about Harry Potter. I made friends with the girl who was an extra in the movies. And I became known as the girl who loves Harry Potter. It was an icebreaker, albeit an embarrassing one…
I generally tend to make a fool of myself, and then I dwell on it for a while. But usually, it never comes up again. If it’s with someone I become friends with, we might occasionally joke about it. If it’s with someone I never see again after making a fool of myself, than it’s a nonissue. So my suggestion is to not feel self conscious when talking to people because no matter what you say, you can’t go wrong.
Doing things on your own? Well, to be honest, I feel like there are tons of people around me still helping me figure it all out. My parents, my friends, my brother and sister, my professors and advisor. You’ll never lack for help. And a lot of those big questions “how do I buy a car? What do I do if this happens?” won’t need to be answered for a while. And I still think you’ll have help then. Don’t underestimate the people in your life’s ability to help you.
Lastly, I wanted to say that you’ll find your confidence slowly, if you don’t feel it now. Honestly, I think I only very recently became confident in myself. But still there are the days when I feel completely unconfident and I ask myself “what if I never…” or “what if I mess up this…” or “no one likes me because I’m fat…” or whatever. But you’ll get there. I suggest doing little things that make you feel good. For me, making new friends, getting a new haircut, getting new clothes or writing something new, all make me feel good about myself. And even if that confidence is temporary, it’s at least there. Some days I just fake the confidence, which sometimes even makes me believe it. So that’s what I suggest.
(Oh, and with the boys…I think confidence is the most attractive thing for them. But you are an absolutely beautiful woman, and I think that you shouldn’t worry about boys, or dating, until you find a guy you really like. Don’t settle just because he thinks you’re beautiful and you’re afraid he’s the only one. You’ll find your guys in college. It might take a while, but you’ll find ‘em. Just be yourself and have fun!)
By: bubblylikesoda on April 13, 2008
at 8:09 pm
Hey,
Listen to your friend Emily. Calm down and think more about the present. As everyone’s been saying, college has a few ways of forcing you out of your shell, and though it seems daunting now, it’ll be a breeze for you to make friends.
I was pretty worried about it because I got to college a couple days after everyone else (cousin’s wedding), and it really seemed that everyone had already found their friends. Well, I ended up going through like 5 different groups in the first couple weeks, til I ended up meeting a friend through a classmate, and we really hit it off. The friends just accumulated after that.
I’m still intimidated by talking on the phone with people I don’t know well. But I’ve learned to be a bit more adventurous, irregardless–I’m working in South Korea for the year, as an example.
I’m glad to see you decided between the two colleges you were considering. I chose as well, and if I do go back to school, it’ll be to UB–and you to BU..weird.
Good luck on the last few months of high school! Consider spitting in the face of that bitch you’ve always loathed. (And then reconsider due to thoughts of the 25-year reunion, ha)
By: Michael T on April 14, 2008
at 7:32 am
Yes please, relax. It is April. You still have finals and graduation to get through. Stress about that first, if you must stress. College can come later.
Everyone here is giving great advice, and your post has inspired me to put up a post on my blog, because it seems that everyone I know that is younger than me is asking me what university is like. And they all have the same fears/issues as you. Pop over to my blog later if your interested.
By: zephyrgirl on April 14, 2008
at 11:18 am
[...] I Survived the Beginning of University Because of the post http://lovemeformexox.wordpress.com/2008/04/12/inner-confidence/, and the numerous questions I’ve been getting from those younger than me who want to go to [...]
By: How I Survived the Beginning of University « So You Want to Be A Lawyer, Eh on April 14, 2008
at 11:58 am
You can be confident while still being an introvert. I felt pretty invisible during most of Middle School and High School, and when I did get attention, much of the time it was negative.
I’m an introvert, so I don’t usually feel too comfortable chatting up strangers or putting myself out there. I do have the ability to socialize and converse, but I’m not the one who begins the conversation, or the one who leads it. These things have always been true of me.
The one thing that has changed is that I now feel much more self-possessed and less concerned with what others think of me. That is what gives me confidence. I don’t need to be chatty or outgoing or goofy. All I have to do is be myself and not worry that others will not like me, or will judge me.
I think you must have some measure of confidence, but there is most likely some room to grow. Just trust that you are a fantastic person on your own, and realize that some people will like you and some won’t care about you and some will actively dislike you. And the only ones you need be concerned with are the ones who like you for who you are. Those are the ones with whom you become friends. And not being concerned with others’ opinions is what lends you confidence.
By: Arashi-san on April 14, 2008
at 2:38 pm