You know the collective 20 or so crap days that you have out of the 365 days in a year?

Well, I had one today.

Like I posted before, I’m on vacation. What do we do on vacation?…. One word: shop. Don’t get me wrong, I <3 shopping lots, but today was just a bad bad day. We went to many different places. And what happened in each one of them?

Couldn’t. Find. A. Single. Thing.

By the end of the day I was having those stupid fucking thoughts all over the place- “If you just lost some weight you could buy clothes!” “If you were smaller you could even bother to fit into the clothes” “Fatass”, etc.  I just felt so depressed. Then I started thinking how lucky thinner women are- there are so many more options for them. I went to Hollister and Rue 21 and Abercrombie with my sister… Being in those stores just mad me sick with myself. I couldn’t fit one fat arm into some of their shirts- not to mention almost every size was an XS, I saw like 3 larges. The only store that even had an XL was Rue 21, and all that stuff fit like shit. I felt so jealous of my sister- at least she could shop in those stores. She had the chance to even consider that cute top, or those stylish pants. And then my thoughts go to how I hate how I look, how I get sick of my face. I just think of how fucking ugly I am. The crap ass lighting used in stores doesn’t help much either with that.

Afterwords we went to Old Navy. *sigh* Old Navy has failed me. I remember one time a few years ago the same type of thing happened- but then we went to Old Navy and I found stuff and I felt so much better. But, to no avail. I couldn’t find anything.

The only happy shopping thought I could hang onto throughout this was the super cute skirt that I bought. This skirt to be exact:

Which I got at Stein Mart for $35. I managed to fit into a size 16 (I was surprised they even had that). That was the only thing I really found that worked. (I am really glad I did, because I have really been wanting that type of skirt for awhile now, along with that type of demin, it’s so cute. So even if I wasn’t happy about the price, I bought it anyway {I only brought $100 with me to spend})

I also have been feeling torn as to where I am supposed to shop. I look at the “normal” type clothes, and then I look at the “women’s” clothes. I then proceed to ask for a bucket to puke in. Blarg, anywhere we went that had plus size clothes… They were hideous! I’d rather go naked than wear some of that stuff. I’m just not sure where I fit in, where I belong with any of this stuff.

And I hate how shopping made me feel. Shopping is supposed to make you feel good! It’s supposed to be fun! And I love shopping, which is why today sucked so much.

Anyway, being the intuitive gal that I am, I went to Torrid’s website and clicked on South Carolina to see if they had any stores here. There was 1, but I had no idea where it was located. Next I though I should check Georgia, since we do spend a day in Savannah. I am happy I did, because- lo and behold- there is a Torrid in Savannah! My inner fat shopper leaped with joy. I know Torrid’s prices are wayyyy to high for what you get, but I still love them. I’ve been to Torrid twice in my life, and those times were the best shopping experiences ever. I always find something. And I can try on everything in the store. If I see something that’s cute, I don’t have to know that I won’t be able to try it. I love that feeling. It makes it worth it for me. I could spend hours in there.

So now I am just hanging on the notion that we might be able to go to Torrid when we go to Savannah. It has made me feel a lot better.

On another thought, I am starting to wonder about the whole ‘people notice confidence’ thing. I don’t really find it to be true. People treat me the same wether I am stompin’ it FIERCE, or just slouching because I don’t want to be somewhere. 

And one last side thought. We went to a bra-type store whilst shopping. I got measured and the lady said I was supposed to be wearing a 44 DD… Let me tell you, I tried a DD and it was WAY to big. I might almost fill out a D, but even then I would need to stuff it some to fill it out. So I have no idea how she figured that (she used a measure tape thing and all).. I just cannot believe my bust size is DD. It isn’t. No way in hell. I’m not in denial about my boobs or anything, it’s just a fact. Soo I ended up getting a 42 C ish, which does feel nicer. But I still have never experienced this ‘perfect fit’ when it comes to bras. All feels the same to me.

Summary: Went shopping, ending up being a crap shopping day in turn making me feel like crap, got a cute skirt yesterday however, might go to Torrid and make everything better, don’t get the confidence thing, and my boobies are impossible.

I just had to let me feeling out about today. I don’t talk about it much with my family and I needed to let it out somewhere…