I’m not sure if this is off topic or not… I just feel like blogging about it.
I’m not really sure how to start this, but I just feel like sometimes I am two different people. Like there are two differents sides to me. On the one side, I have the feminist, fat rights, equality believing and wants to be different girl. On the other, I have the girl who just wants to be left alone to read books, not cause trouble, go under the radar, be shy, be cute and giggly, who wants everyone to get along, and listen to everyone else without bothering to speak. It’s like the latter is what I put forth on the outside, and I keep the former inside and only have a chance to show it on my blog. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I love my blog- it lets me say what I want to say to people who want to hear it. No one in my family wants to hear about issues of women or race or anything. We just don’t talk about that kind of stuff. (Sometimes I feel that if we ever did though, I would not be able to say what I mean the right way. It’s hard to do). There are some thoughts that I don’t blog about on here either, because I am worried of what my IRL friends would think. I don’t like to think I am that radical or anything, because compared to others involved I’m really not, but compared to the people around me I feel like I am.
I want to be like those women in BUST or on feminist blogs. I want to surround myself with people like that- who believe in those kind of things and arn’t ashamed of it. But I’m not surrounded by that. The most I can get of it is in my magazines or reading blogs online.
Another problem I see coming up is my political decisions. I can’t believe I am going to be 18 in September, and that I’ll be able to vote. My parents happen to be conservatives. I’m a little bit nervous because I’m not sure what I believe. For the (almost) 9 months (I can’t believe it’s been so long already!) I’ve been blogging and reading the fatosphere (in turn taking me to other social activist type sites), I’ve learned a lot. I havn’t learned everything, but i have learned a lot. I just.. I don’t know what political party I would vote for. I feel like I am leaning more toward democrat. Which is shocking for me, since my parents are Republican. I remember when I 14 and had Bush stickers all over the place because my parents were voting for him. Their belief was my belief, and now that mine is starting to differ I feel a little out of place.
And then my dad says, we were on the topic of college, that “You have some of those feminism ideals and I’m worried that when you go to college the liberal teachers will fill you head blahblahblah”… Ugh. (That’s not exact wording, obviously, but he was pretty much saying that the teachers will brainwash me with liberal ideas and such and since I am already prone to feminism, it’s not a good sign). Double Ugh. It just bothers me that he said that. Bringing feminism into the conversation makes it seems as though feminism is ridiculous to him. The whole comment just unnerved me. What if agree with what people say to me on my choice? As if believing in those things is a bad thing. I don’t know.. Maybe this is why talking politics at all makes me nervous.
*sigh*.. I don’t know…
..4 days left until college….
Prone to feminism. I love it! It’s like catching a cold … only with human rights!
I’m sure your feelings will become more stable as you get older. Most people go through a growing-up period with lots of uncertainty – moving out of your parents’ house, being independent, learning thoughts and ideas that are different from your family’s – this is all part of the process. Your parents may never accept your ideas and that’s ok as well. I find the best way to share my ideas is through the language that I use around my mum. She doesn’t really understand anything about gay-rights or why it’s important to me to be involved in them or why it’s important to me to learn about natural living, natural body care, and organic gardening. I try to share my ideas with her in small doses but I have no dreams of converting her life to be more like mine. All I can hope for is to lead by example (walk my talk), and be mindful of the language I use. The same may work with your parents … or it might not. What REALLY matters is that you know what you believe and why and are respectful of others’ beliefs in turn.
It can be hard for parents to watch their children grow up with different beliefs then them. It may be easier, for now at least, to not talk politics with your parents.
Also, if you haven’t visited this site before, I HIGHLY recommend it: feministing.com. KICK ASS feminist site that I feel all sorts of love for!
By: Caralyn on August 15, 2008
at 3:49 pm
I’m a new reader here–actually, I’ve been lurking for a little while–and I just love your blog so I decided to say hi. I especially wanted to respond to this post and tell you how excited I am for you. I really am. I can’t wait to read what (and who) you encounter this year and what you come up with in the coming months.
also, I so understand what you’re saying about making your own political decisions and how nervewracking that can be. I still don’t always feel like I know what I believe, even though I’m 30, but I did grow up with conservative republican parents–bush stickers and all..except it was a different bush!–and I voted for clinton in my first election. I’ve voted democratic ever since but that first time…going out on your own like that and against things people you love believe is hard and scary. I totally admire your willingness to do it and how thoughtful you are about your path.
By: Anastasia on August 15, 2008
at 3:56 pm
Hi, I came across your post via the blog reader on WordPress. I just wanted to let you know that if you’re going to a liberal kind of college, they should have a community of feminists/women’s studies scholars full of like-minded people. And even though you might be confused now, once you get to college and meet up with other feminists, that’ll really help you define your beliefs. Also, I know the feeling with your dad; I grew up in a household where my dad was the Big Italian Patriarch and very conservative — and I turned out to be the most liberal of the family. Good luck at college!
By: Q Finder on August 15, 2008
at 3:56 pm
Take your time. Decide what you believe in small stages, and don’t ever think that just because you think one way about something, that you have to believe everything that “people who believe that are supposed to believe.” You’re allowed to pick and choose. You can quietly vote Democrat while your family votes Republican, and you can be actively feminist and FA-ish online, while preferring to be quiet and take things in IRL. If a cause moves you, think about joining it.
When I graduated from high school, I wanted to be “an activist,” but I didn’t know what that meant. I went to a very liberal small school and actually found that the leftist ideals weren’t inclusive of all my ideals (specifically, I am pro-Israel, and I found myself in the minority there). I’ve since found a few issues that I’m passionate about and have become involved in to varying degrees, but I took my time getting involved.
This blog IS being engaged. You have the right to take it as far as you like.
(Sorry for the novel.)
By: Julia on August 15, 2008
at 7:03 pm
I know exactly how you feel. I was a freshman in college in 2000, and was completely torn, because I felt democratic leanings, but had been raised in a republican household. I ended up voting for… Bush. Not going to make that mistake again. I did become more feminist and liberal in college, but I don’t see that as a bad thing. I am the only liberal in my immediate family, and one of few in my extended family. I won’t lie. There were lots of fights, and crying and what have you. My mom and I have basically learned to not talk about political or other touchy issues, and have a sort of “out of sight, out of mind” relationship around it. My dad and I talk issues sometimes, but always at a very philosophical level. But I love knowing what I believe and standing up for it. It’s a very powerful feeling. Definitely educate yourself on the issues. With my dad, I know he at least respects my opinions because he can see that I developed them intelligently. My mom, that’s another story. Unfortunate, but not much to do about it. You will love college. Keep us updated!
By: Katie on August 16, 2008
at 8:27 pm
I’m another one who grew up in a conservative family and turned out super-liberal –
luckily for me, my sis is also left-leaning, so I’m not alone — I just don’t think she’s gone
as far as me with, say, feminism, and definitely not FA — and I agree, it’s tough to have
a different worldview than your parents. It’s tough for them, too, I think — the idea that
they created you and raised you, and then they have to let you be your own person, even
if that person is not much like them at all. I turned 18 in an election year, too (1996), and I promptly voted for Ralph Nader. Keep in mind that you don’t have to affiliate yourself with any one political party — I’m not registered in a party — and you can take your time deciding
what you believe and when to share those beliefs. When people say things around me that
I disagree with and find offensive, I do anything from ignoring them to rolling my eyes to
calling them out on it, depending on the situation, who it is, and my mood. That includes
my parents, who have mostly learned to not say offensive (eg. racist) shit in front of me
anymore. It can feel scary to have opinons so different than your family’s, but if in general
they love and support you, some political differences will not cause them to disown you.
In fact, mine have put up with way more than I would’ve thought (interracial dating)
and they still speak to me. For some things, you just have to agree to disagree; it’s ok
to just avoid a sensitive topic sometimes. I think you are going to have a wonderful
time at college — you will get to meet all kinds of different people with all kinds of
experiences and perspectives.
By: sarah on August 17, 2008
at 12:44 am
I’m so excited for you. College is a wonderful place. Scary at times… challenging a lot of times…. But it’s a wonderful place. I’ve grown so much since entering university. I hope you enjoy it.
About your beliefs, I share the same feelings. When I turned 18, I realized that my beliefs were different from those of my parents. They’re conservative, “devout” Christians, traditional parents. I’m more liberal, feminist, into the sexual revolution and I don’t follow a certain religion. Talk about feeling out of place. But the more I talked to them, and the more I showed my real self (not so much about the sexual revolution… Hehehe…), the more I felt like they still loved me despite our differences. I no longer feel that they’re judging me. Not all the time, anyway.
Good luck on college and with establishing yourself and your beliefs. Everything will be okay in the end. Just be true to yourself.
By: Tissue Girl on August 18, 2008
at 8:55 am