So, I just got back from my meeting with the professor I emailed, It welt pretty well. We talked for at least 40 minutes. Half the time I probably sounded like a crying babbling idiot, but that’s okay. Personally, I think I spoke pretty well/ eloquently. 

I think she sort of understood where I was coming from, though I think she misunderstood my purpose. She seemed to think I was personally having problems, that I was angry. As though I weren’t at the point of acceptance I am at now. But that’s okay, it seemed like she started to get it eventually. I kept saying that I was to change the system (lol, I probably did sound crazy), because she seemed to perceive that I didn’t self assurance. I told her about some of the instance that bothered me, about my feelings. I guess she was worried that i felt angry (implying counseling at one point). But you know what? I am angry! Why shouldn’t I be? My anger isn’t one that I want to go around hitting people or hurting myself, it’s just that I am angry at the system. It’s wrong. What it implies about fat is wrong. And that bothers me- it makes me angry.

But, in any case, she did not once say that fat people were horrible, unhealthy creatures. She agreed with me that we should be focused on well being, while she didn’t say how she felt about obesity, she said that it was okay for me to feel the way I do and that I should accept it. So I give her great props for listening to me speaking. Some people probably wouldn’t even do that. And she agreed with me on a lot of points. I told her a little bit about my history with my body image, and that i have a blog that people read and it creates a great community for me. I was just trying to emphasize that I am trying to talk out about it now, rather than just sit back an get angry. I want to do something with my anger. I even told her that after I sent the email I couldn’t believe I had sent it. lol, which is true. Even now I can’t believe I sent it. 

I didn’t really need any of my fat facts, because she never asked for them and I never needed to use them, because she never said fat was unhealthy (she did mention something about health, joint problems, diabetes, but it wasn’t even direct fat=leads to these, more like a side breath, so I didn’t bother with it). And I remember at one point (while I was crying) I said that “I am not a disease, I’m a person”, just because I’m obese. I also said that the caliper measuring thing in lab could be triggering. Whether or not that changes in the future is probably not likely, but I did bring it out. She did mostly tell me that it’s impossible to change the system, but I think that is bull. Maybe I’ve got hope and I believe or whatever, but I think it is possible, I just need to use my voice like I did today. If I did that all the time maybe it will make a difference. 

She did say that I should try to find other people who share my views and start a group (she mentioned that there was a Coming out party for people on campus, that I could do something like that). I think it would be great, but I really don’t know that I at that level. I wouldn’t even know where to start to organize something like that, let alone be able to lead it. I would love to be able to do that, but I don’t know if I can.

In any case, she had said that she believes in the personal side of things, and when I left I said that I also believe in the scientific side of things, and I gave her some of the articles I had printed out (that everyone for the links you left! Very mucholy helpful ) all about obesity and health facts and studies and what not, and she said she would happily read them. Whether she actually does, I don’t know- I’m thinking that she will read them. She really is a very understanding woman, and she is so nice. I think sometime she misses the point or goes into some abstract kind of talking when I have no idea what she means, but she does listen.

So bottom line: I talk to her about it, sometimes the conversation went into personal issues, but I tried to make it my point that it isn’t about me, it’s about changing the way people think about fat. A lot of the time it seemed like she didn’t quite understand where I was coming from (what my purpose of writing the email was). She suggested I try to find a group of people who shares these views, I’m thinking that there is no way I’ll ever get that together. She told me I need to find time on my own, find a place, walk to the park, do something like that, not to stress so much or be so angry (Anger I think is justified with regards to fat, I want to do something with my anger and frustration though). And I gave her some articles I printed out. She told me to come back and visit, blahblahblah. 

And I spoke up for myself, which is probably the highlight of everything. It may not have made any difference (or it might have), but just standing up for myself made a difference to me. I don’t know if I am confident/outgoing enough to try to create a group for this type of talk, but I know that hopefully in the future i can do something like that.

I also have to (grudingly) accept the fact that the health industry is flawed, and that I want to try to change it, but in order to change it I have to make it through this program, to learn what I need to learn, and then to make a difference in my profession. I don’t know if in the future I’ll be as amazing as Sandy, or be an amazing activist that I would love to be, but I will definitely use what I know and believe when I actually am a nurse. I won’t judge people or assume their habits simply from their appearance. I will never suggest to them to lose weight or that they need to. I will try to encourage a positive outlook on their bodies, to understand how amazing they are, what they can do, and to not be so negative towards them (of course, that is only if a situation would warrant this talk, I’m not going to go off spouting HAES to random patients lol)… 

In any case, I think this was a step in the right direction. It might take me awhile to take another step, but it’s still a step.