I feel the need to apologize yet again for never updating. Or writing. Or even posting a damn picture or something. I feel like I honestly haven’t blogged about anything really important for months. Sometimes I feel like I should just give it up- not like I’ve done anything important for awhile now anyway.
I hate sounding so down- I guess it’s just been a couple of bad weeks for my self-image. I got home from school and I just felt nasty diet thoughts creeping into my head. I started thinking up one of those thin fantasies, about how much better my life and myself would be if I were thin. It lasted longer than it normally does. It was like the old me was back saying “you can do it” and all that shit. I even dug out the only diet book I still have (I don’t know why I can’t seem to throw it away). I even watched Celebrity Fit Club… I don’t know why my brain decided to regress so much. I feel like I’m coming out of it now, but I’m still not sure.
It doesn’t help that now that I’m at home I don’t read blogs as much. I just never feel like it here. I’m working a lot more now too, so I like to relax in the day before I have to go to work. So I tend to watch TV or read a book. I guess it doesn’t help that I just don’t feel as confident as a I did before… I tried on the same bikini I had from last year and I just wasn’t feeling it like I did before. I know I’ve gained maybe 10 lbs or so in the past year- I dunno if that’s it or what. I just didn’t feel comfortable in it. That really didn’t help my self esteem. (On the positive side, I bought new two piece tankini things at Target and they are really cute, and I really like them and feel more comfy in them. I’ll post pictures once I take some). I just feel like I’m letting other people and myself down with that.
I also kinda hate that this blog is pretty much just me rambling about myself. I mean, I guess that’s okay, but I feel selfish for it (and also kind of wonder why people would want to read my wandering thoughts). I guess I feel kinda like a gimmick- the blogger who’s fat and a teenager. Like, if it weren’t for that fact that I’m a teenager no one would care. I know this blog will never be anything super amazing or anything, because I’m not an amazing writer, and I don’t have the time or energy to make it such. Not to mention I’m not that good at networking. Hell, I’m not good even at replying to comments. I’m the kind of person who writes and then like comments but never knows what to say to them.
.. So anyway, I feel I’ve blathered on enough. Bottom line is I havn’t been feeling great lately about my body and my blogging, but I’m starting to feel better, and I want to write more. I guess I just don’t know how to go about it, because there are so many others who do it so much better than me… I also still haven’t gotten around to buying Lessons from the Fatosphere (I looked up the version I like, but I can’t justify spending a lot more just for the cover/title I prefer)- the Barnes and Nobles I go to doesn’t have it, but I want to check Borders soon.
In any case, I’m not giving up yet. And as for my scholarly life, I got a 4.0! So there’s a plus I suppose 
… If anyone is still reading this..
Congratulations on your grade! That’s a great achievement.
I’ve been trying to get more active recently so that I can start horse riding and some other things again, and I am looking at what I eat in terms of nutrition. With that healthy ‘approach’, I’ve had really dangerous moments were I’ve started calorie counting and thinking about dieting. I’ve had some real down moments about my weight, but I try hard to think about other things that deserve my attention, like how cute my new tankini is, or the fact that omg I remembered to do the dishes.
Glad to see that otherwise everything is okay, your blog was one that inspired me to blog at all.
By: pewter on June 6, 2009
at 4:52 pm
hey Liz!!!
I check ur blog often to see if u have anything new. I always look forward to ur uplifting thoughts, ideas and ofcourse pictures. Plz dont let me know hon!!!
Congrats on ur 4.0!!!! I feell sooooo happy for u!!
By: satya on June 6, 2009
at 10:51 pm
Hang in there! I’ve been having a rough time since I got out of school too. Relax and do some nice things for yourself that make you feel good. I’m sure the desire to write will come back soon. I personally don’t mind your rambling because I can relate. But I’m glad you haven’t given up on all this yet. And congrats on the 4.0!
By: Charlotte on June 7, 2009
at 7:37 pm
I am so proud of you for the 4.0, and I can totally understand how you feel, I feel the exact same way with my blog which is why it is so sparse lol. I think I need to focus on using it more as therapy for me than trying to cater to others, cause when I do that I just get scared what I post will upset others lol. I am glad you are doing ok though, you are thought of often as I look at your photos on DA and such, you have been an inspiration to me.
By: scattered marbles on June 7, 2009
at 8:50 pm
Hiya hon
Just so you know, we’re still reading and waiting to hear what’s on your mind.
I’ve just gone through a slightly traumatic body period, but have come out the other side with stuff to say – but am a little scared of reactions from people of the trollish persuasion. Let’s all be brave together, what do you say?
And congrats on the grades!
By: Chas Dean on June 8, 2009
at 1:48 am
First of all, I’m glad you’re ok and havent abandoned us!
I just want you to know, that I understand what you are going through. I like to think of this as a “self-esteem lull” where you get a temporary (but sometimes lengthy) lapse in good self-image.
Even as a thin girl, I experience bad body-image all of the time. Like, constantly. So think about this: even if you were thin and had achieved the body you think you want, there are always going to be problems, and some level of dissatisfaction will always be present. In fact, trying to force yourself to diet would result in a thousand new problems and unnecessary pressures that you could simply avoid by not falling victim to the diet trap in the first place.
There are just some things in life that we think we need, but once we get them, we just move on to wanting something else. For me, I’m always thinking to myself, “If I just get this cute pair of shoes, my life would be perfect!”. Two seconds later, I have them and I just want something else. Although it may seem trivial, the same applies to your body type. Just think of all the great things you DO have, and it will all go uphill from there. It already sounds like you’re on your way back!
By: Cathy on June 8, 2009
at 3:30 pm
Hey! I’ve also a blog as well and I enjoy reading your blog. I would love to help you out, as I’ve had some ideas on some things to write on and such. Please feel free to e-mail me! I look forward to hearing from you!
Glad to know you are still around. Your blog does make a difference and thats what counts!
By: Ayshay! on June 8, 2009
at 9:57 pm
I so very much know how you’re feeling. I try so hard to accept and live in my own skin. But it seems that residing in that “I know I can do it by X if I start this very minute” diet mentality is where I often am. And sometimes hanging out there gives me this hopefullness about everything in my life. That everything will be okay. ANd that’s when I sometimes remember that being 10 lbs thinner does not solve one single life problem. I really think that dieting is my escape hatch. But it’s so deceptive. Life is not lived in the diet zone. And, in addition thiness and dieting is so accepted and encouraged. Why not lose yourself in the endless possibilities of fabulous thiness?
That said I think your blog is great. It’s been a bit since I was a teenager but I love reading people’s blogs when they’re trying to be okay, hard as it may be. Also, don’t underestimate how hard it is to go home during your years in college. I remember that kinda pre-adult time as really hard. Freedom and then thrust back to a home where the new me didn’t quite fit. It took a while.
By: Katie on June 9, 2009
at 6:47 am
Thanks so much for all the support everybody-
I really, really appreciate it.
By: lovemeformexox on June 11, 2009
at 4:48 pm
Hello. Ive recently found your blog and I must say I love it. Its the first blog I can really relate to. I hope you keep blogging!
By: nani on June 12, 2009
at 6:49 pm