Diary of a Fat Teenager

This is a personal essay I had to write for my AP English 12 class at the begginning of this year. I am really proud of it and i think it tells a pretty good story of the history i have had with my body (even if that history is only just starting). I quote it a few times here and there, but here is the full version, for those who want to read it. The essay topic I choose to do for this was what was an influence that changed your life (something like that).

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The Angel of Influence 

            Influence comes in many different forms- art, music, magazines, television. It usually appears to most people in the general form of popular culture in our society. The hit TV-shows, the best selling albums- many of these things follow the same general format- that format being that they are all ‘in’ at the time, according to the media. The artwork that changed the world to me was one that I created myself. It was just a simple and slightly sloppy sketch, but that one sketch mirrored my changing beliefs about myself, my surroundings, and what is truly beautiful.

            The creation of the sketch that influenced this transformation in views was a long time coming. Growing up, I had pretty good self esteem, I generally didn’t think much about appearances and how intertwined with society they are. Once I got to middle school things started to change. I noticed the popular girls, the popular clicks, the people on TV and the internet. I saw so many images every day, images that I did not fit, being glamorized and worshipped just for being ‘beautiful’. Did their accomplishments have anything to do with their power? It was all looks and appearances. It wouldn’t have mattered if a woman created a cure for cancer, if she didn’t look right than she would only be criticized on her appearance.

             I may have still been slightly naïve at that point, but I could still recognize the connection between being beautiful and being happy. After all, only the beautiful women got boyfriends, wealth, dream jobs, and what they desired out of life. They got their happy ending. As a child I watched the Disney movies of beautiful princess and saw how the heroine of the film was always beautiful and kind, while the villains were always ugly and awful. I noticed how the prince always rescued the perfect princess. Not many people look at what messages these stories are telling to young girls, what subliminal messages they are sending. And to me, the new teenager, the effects of their messages’ were much less damaging than these new messages being sent by a new source- high school.

            When every girl enters high school, it seems all the pressures, clicks, workload, and scrutinizes by others impact us so much more. What you look like, who you hang out with, who you date, what you dress life- it’s all that seems to matter. It wasn’t any different for me. I was very self conscious during those earlier high school years, much more than I had been in middle school. I felt like I fit in no where, I was so ugly I should get surgery to fix the ‘problems’ with me, just like the people on TV, it was like magic made them beautiful and acceptable, and I dreamed of that magic happening to me. I felt I should starve myself to just be acceptable and fit in. And I did try, I wouldn’t eat breakfast or lunch, thinking it was healthier since thin obviously equaled health, according to everywhere you looked.

            All those insecurities seemed to change when I got my first boyfriend. Much as I’d rather not admit now, having one made me feel good about myself. I felt accepted by someone. I didn’t feel worthless or hideous, since at least one person liked me. (Looking back on everything now, I think I alienated myself from my friends, feeling I wasn’t worth their time, but I was stupid to never realize how much they were there for me.) I analyzed everything he said about me, feeling that I needed him to validate that I was good enough for him. I needed someone to tell me I was beautiful, since I couldn’t even tell myself.

            One day, after nearly seven months of dating my boyfriend, I happened to feel the need to sketch an image that I had in my head. Ever since middle school I loved anime and would draw it all the time, but for the past few months I hadn’t been able to draw anything. There was an artistic block that I could not break through. And then it hit me, I wanted to try something different for once. After years of drawing unrealistically thin anime characters, I wanted to try and draw someone with a figure like me, and I did. The drawing was just a profile view of a chubby angel, holding a single flower, her face covered, but still looking up. Looking at her now, she really just looks like a healthy average girl, but back then this was a big step for me.

            Just seeing this simple sketch instilled a confidence in me. Seeing the beauty in that angel helped me see the beauty in myself. If the girl in this drawing was beautiful, then why couldn’t I be too? Instead of seeing thin models, I looked for images of confident and curvy women, any woman who was confident with herself. It inspired me and it felt much better than sitting around hating myself. I eventually broke up with my boyfriend, because he didn’t make me happy, I no longer needed him to see how beautiful I was. I didn’t need him to make me happy. I started drawing this angel character more times- keeping inspiration from the original that started it all.

            Not only was I drawing more realistic characters, but the psychology behind my insecurities intrigued me. I wanted to know why I felt like I was at war with myself, and I wanted to know how I could fix it. I began reading about beauty, health, commercialism, marketing, and advertising. I started to recognize their tricks and how these advertisers feed off of people’s insecurities about their looks. It’s all about money, and once you recognize how deceitful it really is, it’s impossible to go back to hating yourself for it.

            The outrage and hurt I felt at these deceptions made me want to stand up to it. I actually wanted to be different now. I wanted to be myself and love the person I am. I wanted to influence others, and inspire them to love themselves exactly as they are and to be as happy with themselves and I was with myself- because no one deserves to hate their bodies and suffer within themselves. Life is too short to spend hating the connection you have with the world.

           Today, I am still drawing more characters, of all different shapes and sizes. It really helps me see the beauty in others. I have my artwork posted on an art website, and it makes me so happy to see that I can inspire other people just by doing what I love to do. I have also started to read about feminism, after hearing about it many times while reading about images effects on women. The influence that this one, simple sketch had on my life is immense. I have become passionate about many different things because of it, to realize that I am smart, I am strong, and I am a girl. It opened my eyes and changed the way I see the world, the way I see others, and the way I see myself. And that is something I wouldn’t trade for all the boyfriends in the world.