eff you. Majority of your commercials are all about loosing weight, and your TV shows aren’t much better.

Jeans should be skinny. Wallets should be fat. (From Bally commercial)

… wow. Thanks for letting me know exactly what’s wrong with this country Bally- our bodies should be small but we should be fat and rich when it comes to money. Money money money. That’s what it really is all about.

Find out what’s making you fat. (TV show)

I don’t see how this special would be eye opening or really revealing in any way. Honestly, I could dispell 10 dieting myths without much effort- I’m betting most people could. The usual eat less, exercise more will probably be the great ‘knowledge’ that we all need to know to lose weight. I like how someone can assume to know what’s making every different person fat too… I’m sure some people are fat because of what foods they eat, or how much they exercise, but there are just as many for whom that is not an issue (plus, what about the thin people who have the same habits but are thin? Obvs they are healthy so it doesn’t matter for them!)

I know Discovery Health really isn’t the most fat friendly of channels, but dammit I love watching Mystery Diagnosis and Diagnosis X and Trauma in the ER and those type of show (not so much all the baby shows and lose weight NOW type shows.. blegh)..

Seeing these commercials and TV programs really just makes me want to hurl the TV out my dorm window, but I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be appreciated…

It doesn’t help that lately I hadn’t been feeling too hot about myself… I feel like I started slipping back into the Fantasy, the idea that I could control my body and make it just a little bit smaller and just lose a little bit of weight (I went so far as to download a Weight-loss application to my iTouch. Thankfully it was free and I have since deleted it). Mostly I feel like lately it’s because I don’t think I’m attractive. I hate that I think that, but I do. I mean, it’s one thing to have people online say positive comments, but it’s another thing IRL. I guess I could say that all I really want when it comes to this is for someone to ask me out, to say that they want me.  It’s so hard to feel attractive when you don’t have a significant other person backing you up and reinforcing it. I hate that I think that, because right now I honestly think I need to focus on myself, and it would be too stressful to have to deal with a boyfriend right now anyway… I don’t know if it’s hormones or what. Like, I can’t get thinking about sex out of my head, and I haven’t even had it yet. Sometimes I feel like something’s wrong with me because I haven’t yet, when so many others have… Honestly, I feel a little bit weird talking about that on my blog (maybe some day I won’t care at all, but I guess it’s just weird right now)… but I just feel like I need to rant about it a little bit. I know I’m probably not the only person who feels like this…

So today I’ve been looking at pictures on Adipositivity to help me feel better. And it has helped a little.

But ANYWHO..

I feel like I need to apologize like a bazillion times for not updating this blog enough. Over spring break I tend to stay away from the computer because I can’t go online with my laptop, and I can’t stand using my dial up computer now (it’s too painful lol)… And every day I’m at school I feel like I never have enough time in the day. I feel like a bad blogger for not… well, blogging. lol. Or for paying enough attention to my contact page… Agian, being at school I feel like I always have something to do, and in my free time I’d rather relax than worry about my blog. But then I feel bad for not updating my blog… blargh… During the summer I will force myself to use our home computer and update a little more often, and maybe go to my library, which has WiFi. Next semester I’m thinking my workload will be a little bit lighter. I hope.

Okay, well this was a crappy ass post, I hope everyone is doing well.

(Oh, and I think I know what I want to do for my Gender Studies project. It’s actually neither of what I thought about doing, though kind of related I guess. I’m thinking about doing it on gender roles in Japan, maybe talk about the history of the culture, and how it is today, etc… I mean, that is a topic I would be interested in, and when I type in “gender roles in Japan” in google, articles specifically on that come up, so hopefully it won’t be too hard to research. I guess I’ll do the paper on it.. Though the idea of doing a zine sounded really interesting Katriona… That would let me do graphic stuff, which I love to do.. I don’t know if that would work with the Japanese & gender topic, but I guess it could.. I don’t really know too much about doing a zine though… Blargh I dunno what i want to do now lol… I think we are going to talk about it on Wednesday, so I have a little bit of time)

Oh yeah, that reminds me! Next wednesday we are doing “Body Image” discussion in my Gender Studies class. I have already talked to my professor about it, saying how I was “pumped” for it (lol I’m such a weirdo).. I had sent her a bunch of links in an email before (mostly links to feminist blogs I read- oh, and links to Sarah Haskins lol), and one of the links I sent was Kate Harding’s illustrated BMI slideshow. I mentioned it again, and she said I could bring it up in class and show it. But if anyone has an points that I should definitely keep in mind to bring up, feel free to leave them in comments.

Okay, I really am done now. For reals.

Holy hell- I haven’t updated in a month. A MONTH!

….

I’m really sorry for not updating. I hate to say I was busy- I was a pretty busy- but that excuse doesn’t hold for a month when I’m not even at school… I had finals the week after my last post, then I was home, then I worked a few days, then it was Christmas, I spent time with my friends and family, and just excuse excuse excuse. Mostly I blame the fact that the computer we have here at home is SO EFFING SLOW! I mean, I know I used to blog with it all the time in high school, but compared to my high speed laptop I use at school, it’s almost unbearable. I avoided going online (I only went on every couple of days to check my email) because it was so annoying. Seriously, dial-up sucks. A lot. Also, the past few days I’ve been feeling a little sick- stuffy nose & sore throat. Today I think the coughing is coming (maybe I am dying of the fat death! AHH!)… But I havn’t been really sick yet so I knew it was coming eventually. I always get sick atleast once a year. Atleast now I get it over with before I go back to school (1 week and 5 days!), which I am really excited (and nervous) for… I’ll probably blog more about that on my college blog (which I havn’t updated either). Bad, bad blogger.

In other news, I feel like I’ve finally come to terms with that fact that some people are just asshole douchebags who just need to be marked as spam. I mean, deep down any comment that is insulting hurts alittle bit, and it always will. But for the most part my brain thinks “what an asshole who has no life”, and I delete/mark as spam el comment. I also got a comment from someone that a whole middle school makes fun of me…. Which kinda made me giggle inside. I mean, who gives a shit what stupid 10 year olds say about you? It’s just kinda sad of them. Maybe I’m just over it- like why would a college student give a fuck about what stupid middle schoolers are saying about them. LOLZ. The person who left the comment seemed more like they were trying to warn me about it (not rub it in my face) but it just makes me laugh. Thank god high school and middle school are over with. Because, well, they sucked. I’m a little bit flattered that middle schoolers even care so much as to take time to make fun of me. Their teachers should give them so more homework to keep them busier. I guess this makes up for all the non-making fun of me there was when I was in middle school. One time I got asked to dance and then the person ran away and never came back, but that’s about it. It was mostly just hatred inflicted upon myself rather than from other people.

Hm…. In other other news, my dad made an annoying comment to my last night. We were watching the Bourne Supremecy (lurvee those movies!) and before it started he mumbled something about how he wanted to lose 25 pounds because he now weights 205 lbs and he’s never weighed that much before! HORROR! I just thought to myself that I weight 10 pounds more than he does. Then I realized it’s no wonder I had/have body issues- my dad thinks of his weight as something he can calorie in/calorie out type thinking, and my mom was never happy with her body after she gained and iddn’t lose pregnancy weight. They’ve both got issues- issues, that I don’t really want. It just kinda pissed me off that he said that to me. Like, I don’t care. Your business! Don’t say it to me like you want me to do the same thing, because I’m not putting myself in that hole again. I know last year I slipped and thought I could do the whole diet thing (Fuck New Years, I hate it. I can’t stand all the diet commercials I see 24/7. Thank god since going to college I watch way less TV) and I am not going there again. I know recently I have been feeling more shitty about my body- mostly because being at home I don’t walk around much (unless I want to walk to the nearest cornfield there isn’t really anywhere for me to go) and I feel like I don’t do anything, which I feel like I have gotten a bit fatter… Scratch that, I just check with the stupid new scale we now have- I’ve gained a whopping 2 pounds… Maybe it’s because I haven’t been reading the fatosphere as much, or blogging, or being around positive influences, I’ve just been feeling not so great about myself. And then when I feel okay about myself I just feel so unsexy that i go back to feeling bad again. Not that being sexy is the ultimate goal in life, but I like to think that I am, and just right now I feel like I’m not and I never will be and I settle into trying not to care. Which then leads me to think I can lose a few pounds, not a lot, but just a little. But this year it feels like there’s a war going on in my head about whether I even believe it would happen- I’ve come to believe that diets don’t work and anything I lose I’ll gain back, so that side of my head wins. Then the whole “I’m an exception!” thing starts, and it’s just back and forth from there. The first few weeks in January it’s always like this though… I just always feel kinda bad about myself during this time. I dunno why, but I do.

This is such a scrambled and horrible written post, and I’m sorry for that. I need to get back in the groove… and to get over these next two weeks.

But, to be positive, I got a few nice things for Christmas- a new camera (which I really didn’t expect), a luggage bag (useful), and a sewing machine! So now I can try to learn to make my own clothing! It just seems like so much fun! I also made the Dean’s List for last semester- so yay for that too. Hopefully I will do just as good with that at my new school (but more about that on my college blog).

I do have atleast 2 topics that I want to blog about here, so hopefully I will get around to doing so, and get around to catching up on the happenings of the fatosphere. If not, I will try to blog by the time I am at school (18th) when I won’t be on superslowcomputer… I hope everyone had a nice holiday/December

You know the collective 20 or so crap days that you have out of the 365 days in a year?

Well, I had one today.

Like I posted before, I’m on vacation. What do we do on vacation?…. One word: shop. Don’t get me wrong, I <3 shopping lots, but today was just a bad bad day. We went to many different places. And what happened in each one of them?

Couldn’t. Find. A. Single. Thing.

By the end of the day I was having those stupid fucking thoughts all over the place- “If you just lost some weight you could buy clothes!” “If you were smaller you could even bother to fit into the clothes” “Fatass”, etc.  I just felt so depressed. Then I started thinking how lucky thinner women are- there are so many more options for them. I went to Hollister and Rue 21 and Abercrombie with my sister… Being in those stores just mad me sick with myself. I couldn’t fit one fat arm into some of their shirts- not to mention almost every size was an XS, I saw like 3 larges. The only store that even had an XL was Rue 21, and all that stuff fit like shit. I felt so jealous of my sister- at least she could shop in those stores. She had the chance to even consider that cute top, or those stylish pants. And then my thoughts go to how I hate how I look, how I get sick of my face. I just think of how fucking ugly I am. The crap ass lighting used in stores doesn’t help much either with that.

Afterwords we went to Old Navy. *sigh* Old Navy has failed me. I remember one time a few years ago the same type of thing happened- but then we went to Old Navy and I found stuff and I felt so much better. But, to no avail. I couldn’t find anything.

The only happy shopping thought I could hang onto throughout this was the super cute skirt that I bought. This skirt to be exact:

Which I got at Stein Mart for $35. I managed to fit into a size 16 (I was surprised they even had that). That was the only thing I really found that worked. (I am really glad I did, because I have really been wanting that type of skirt for awhile now, along with that type of demin, it’s so cute. So even if I wasn’t happy about the price, I bought it anyway {I only brought $100 with me to spend})

I also have been feeling torn as to where I am supposed to shop. I look at the “normal” type clothes, and then I look at the “women’s” clothes. I then proceed to ask for a bucket to puke in. Blarg, anywhere we went that had plus size clothes… They were hideous! I’d rather go naked than wear some of that stuff. I’m just not sure where I fit in, where I belong with any of this stuff.

And I hate how shopping made me feel. Shopping is supposed to make you feel good! It’s supposed to be fun! And I love shopping, which is why today sucked so much.

Anyway, being the intuitive gal that I am, I went to Torrid’s website and clicked on South Carolina to see if they had any stores here. There was 1, but I had no idea where it was located. Next I though I should check Georgia, since we do spend a day in Savannah. I am happy I did, because- lo and behold- there is a Torrid in Savannah! My inner fat shopper leaped with joy. I know Torrid’s prices are wayyyy to high for what you get, but I still love them. I’ve been to Torrid twice in my life, and those times were the best shopping experiences ever. I always find something. And I can try on everything in the store. If I see something that’s cute, I don’t have to know that I won’t be able to try it. I love that feeling. It makes it worth it for me. I could spend hours in there.

So now I am just hanging on the notion that we might be able to go to Torrid when we go to Savannah. It has made me feel a lot better.

On another thought, I am starting to wonder about the whole ‘people notice confidence’ thing. I don’t really find it to be true. People treat me the same wether I am stompin’ it FIERCE, or just slouching because I don’t want to be somewhere. 

And one last side thought. We went to a bra-type store whilst shopping. I got measured and the lady said I was supposed to be wearing a 44 DD… Let me tell you, I tried a DD and it was WAY to big. I might almost fill out a D, but even then I would need to stuff it some to fill it out. So I have no idea how she figured that (she used a measure tape thing and all).. I just cannot believe my bust size is DD. It isn’t. No way in hell. I’m not in denial about my boobs or anything, it’s just a fact. Soo I ended up getting a 42 C ish, which does feel nicer. But I still have never experienced this ‘perfect fit’ when it comes to bras. All feels the same to me.

Summary: Went shopping, ending up being a crap shopping day in turn making me feel like crap, got a cute skirt yesterday however, might go to Torrid and make everything better, don’t get the confidence thing, and my boobies are impossible.

I just had to let me feeling out about today. I don’t talk about it much with my family and I needed to let it out somewhere…

(Just like to mention that I do have internet access, so I figured I would post this- I wrote it last week not sure whether or not I would be able to access the internet on vacation.)

Okay, so, I hate to admit this, but I am subscribed to Seventeen magazine. Don’t get me wrong, I used to love the magazine, but after reading BUST for half a year now, Seventeen just pales in comparison. The few times they have articles about college I read them over and over again, but for the most part it’s about choosing a college or getting into college- which, doesn’t really help me anymore. And I am realizing that I am really getting sick of all the boy centered articles- it’s everywhere! Sure, they have some articles not about boys, but they are the minority.

I will give Seventeen props for their clothing section. They usually (if not always) have clothing advice for all different bodies types, atleast recognizing that we are not all the same. And that is usually the only section I see any, even slightly, fat girls… I mean “curvy all over” girls. In the most recent issue the main feature was on jeans. They have this fold out thing were you find your size under a certain style and it tells you where to find the jeans. The sizes went up to 15/16, and even then half of the jeans were “Sorry! They don’t come in this size!”. Two of them were “It comes in size 17/18 too!”, since they didn’t have a row for 17/18 (probably since only two of the styles were even available). Which pretty much just sucks.

For the fun of it (well, not really fun, but curiosity), I went through the magazine and counted how many times I saw any girls who might even count as “chubby”. There were 6. Yes, 6. And that’s considering I counted one model twice (she was in two different pictures on the same page). And three of them were in a Torrid ad. The last one was featured as one out of the 17 in their “Best Dressed Girls Across America”, which they do maybe once a year. I’m guessing 6 is actually rather high for any magazine.

This year, Seventeen also started their “Body Peace Project”, which, I can’t remember, might have been mentioned in other blogs back when it started. Each month (except last month, for some reason) has an article by Jess Weiner, a “why we need peace”, a goal for each month, and a body peace prize winner. I always enjoy this page, because I think what is being said is important for girls to hear. This month’s was about how girls can take out their feelings on their body.

Again, I think this Body Peace Project is great, but it frustrates me to no end how hypocritical the magazine is. The page before the BPP page is titled “How to Get Your Best Butt by Back-to-School” and the other is “eat all day long!”. I guess it wouldn’t be catchy enough to just have “August’s fun workout!” or something. They are saying to love your body as it is, yet you must work out to get your best butt? Because your butt is not okay the way it is?

The magazine also has a problem with calorie counting, as evidenced by the second title “eat all day long!”, which is all about how you can eat lots of certain low calorie foods instead of a few high calorie foods which can use up a lot of your “daily allowance”. They also have a little star 17 FYI, which mentions to go to the mypyramid website to find out what your daily caloic intake should be, based on your height, weight, and activiy. That is definitely NOT the website you want to send people to. Seriously, I went there because in my nutrition class in school last year we were forced too, and it recommended about 1200 or less for me. And not to mention their “step to a healtheir weight“- it’s all “calories in, calories out” bull, or their “If you are significantly overweight, you have a greater risk of developing many diseases including high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, stroke, and some forms of cancer. For obese adults, even losing a few pounds or preventing further weight gain has health benefits.” same old crap. Look, I can see the benefits of eating food for it’s nutritional value and all, but is that what food has become to us? Just fuel for our tanks? That seems like a crappy relationship to have with food.

I remember reading in their letters section someone had complained about the hypocritical nature of this, and they said they were changing. Well, that change lasted about an issue, because every month it’s the same old “best abs/ best butt/ best arms/ best bikini bod/ best whatever” and “good food/bad food” trash. I won’t lie and say they’ve gotten worse, they are much better about this than when I first started reading the magazine two years ago- they had weight loss stories galore. I remember one that I photochopied and would re-read over and over again because the girl looked like me in the before picture, and if she could do it, I could to! Atleast now the magazine stresses healful eating for the sake that it is good for your body, not that it will help you shed pounds.

This month’s magazine also has an article about Eating Disorders (which, again, ironic considering the magazine’s continuous usage of calories and all the advertisment’s airbrushed models). The one section of the magazine featured “Secret Triggers”, and one of them was food labels.

With so many foods marked “diet” or “low-cal”, you may think it’s wrong not to eat them. But they can make you feel obsessive about counting fat and calories.

Which, again, is ironic considering how the magazine stresses low calorie, low fat type food options.

I’m not an expert on eating disorders (and I won’t pretend to be) so I can’t say wether they handled the subject correctly or not. To me atleast, it seemed like a good and informational article, and they had a “Getting Help” section. While I was looking through the comments on Seventeen’s Myspace page I saw this comment:

I like your magazine. I do have a suggestion. They always have models as, like, really skinny. And very rarely do I see average looking people in your magazine. I mean, I will never be able to look like those girls because I’m not built like that. And I don’t want to. But I used to stress out alwys wanting to. Putting egular people in there and not just professional models may add readers to your magazine but also, help girls. It really just puts pressure on them because they think the “right way” to look is like what everyone is in Hollywood.

Also, I’d like to suggest something about your eating disorders articles. When you put articles in there saying “This is how you know if you have an eating disorder…”, it really just gives girls and guys step-by-step directions on how to be anorexic or bulimic. I know people who used teen magazines to have an eating disorder to get skinnier. And I thought that your magazine was trying to help. And it was really disappointing.

I think Seventeen has improved greatly in the two years since I have had the magazine (though has also taken some steps back with all their mixed messages), and their Body Peace Project is a great start, but it seems like they still have a long way to go. I’ll continue to read the magazine until my subscription is up in December, but once that ends I’m making the switch to BUST and giving them my subscription money.

*Edit* I just saw this post whilst catching up on my fatosphere reading, which lead me to this post as well. I am SO done with Seventeen.

(sorry for the lack of posting- I’ve been rather busy this week, and I’ve been trying to get ready for vacation ~more info on that tomorrow~ but I am alive. I wasn’t sure what to blog about so I looked through my drafts and found a post that i wrote at the end of April, that I never posted, and edited it a tad.)

Okay, I love watching What Not to Wear. I love it when someone on their show has the same body type as me, and I can learn what clothes will slim look best on me (the “slimming” issue is… well, a whole ‘nother issue). I find the show itself to just be addicting and fun to watch.

But everytime I watch it, I just think “Who the fuck cares?”.

I understand if you need a certain wadrobe for work you can’t be wearing tube socks and bra straps on your neck, but for everything else – why does it matter? If you want to wear something because you feel comfortable and are happy and feel good wearing it, who has the right to tell you that you can’t wear it? I don’t care if it is fashionable or not. I don’t care if it fits right or not. Not to mention that some people have their own style. Just because it isn’t the “right” style doesn’t mean it’s wrong. The one girl that was on wore all gothy clothes (which I used to be a big fan of two years ago), and she got trashed. Some people may “hide” behidn their clothes, but many people just like the style. They like it and it’s their choice. Isn’t fashion an individual thing?

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE clothes, and I love shopping. I love finding outfits that I just want to make a “BAM” sound effect when I see myself in the mirror. But I don’t see what the big deal is. Not every person is a clothing/shopping freak like I am. I for the most part I ususally think the people on the show do actually look better and seem to feel much better about themsevles. Maybe some people don’t want to look better though. Maybe they just don’t give a fugg about it (Arguably those people would not accept being on the show then…). But some people just don’t care what other people think of them. And I would venture to say many of them aren’t using that as a “front”, they really don’t value their worth based on other people’s perceptions.

Why do clothes have to be flattering? Why do clothes have to be slimming? How the hell do clothes represent who you are a person? THEY’RE CLOTHES! Swatches of fabric! They might reflect your taste in clothing, but that really isn’t a great way to judge a person. One of the reasons I like clothes that I’ve made myself (okay, one skirt with kitties all over it when I was in 7th grade that my grandma pretty much made but made it seem like I did lol) is because I’m proud of the work I put into making them. That skirt was mine, no one else’s. I designed it and everything. It was me. Why does someone feel the need to judge my clothing? Don’t they have their own clothing to worry about? (not in the sense that it is bad and need to worry about, just like that they have their business to deal with, and should bother with mine.)

I know I do judge based on clothing appearance at time, I wish I didn’t, but I do. I see someone and think “WHAT ARE THEY WEARING??”. It’s not like I really care that much, I just immediatly think that. At the same time I do understand that it’s just clothing. Nowaday I am a lot better with this, because, again, I just don’t care. It’s cool that you have your own style.

It seems like they are projecting clothing as a fantasy. Once you get this brand new wadrobe, your whole life will change! I mean, that IS what they do at the end of the episode.

What I do like about the show is that they look for clothes that fit now. They emphasize to buy clothes that fit NOW, not clothes that fit ten years ago, or clothes that will fit once you lose 15 pounds. (I get sick of them congratulating people who lost weight.. but maybe that’s just me). And that it is never the person’s fault, but the clothes fault if something doesn’t fit.

I do like the hosts of the show… It seems like Clinton and Stacey do want the best for the people they are making over. I don’t really know how to describe it, but I just like them.

Oh, but how I hate my love/hate relationship with that show lol..

(just to let out my nervousness: Ahhh!! It’s my first day at work on my own now that I am done with training!!! I am feeling a little lot scared…but do have this odd feeling that I might be able to handle it… might… ughh I just want it to be over with…)

(*note* I wrote this back in April and just found it saved as a draft. I figured I would post it since I didn’t have anything else for today. Sorry if it seems rather morbid at times.)

We all end up the same. We all end up dead. It doesn’t matter how pretty you look, how much you conform to society’s standards, how perfect you are, how nice you are, how real you are. It doesn’t matter if you are a celebrity, if you are a model, if you are rich, if you are poor, if you are middle class. It doesn’t matter if you are drop-dead gorgeous, if you are pretty, if you are plain, if you are ugly (by society’s standards). It doesn’t matter if you are married, if you are single, if you are gay, if you are straight, or if you are both. It doesn’t matter whether or not you have a boyfriend in high school. It doesn’t matter whether or not you are Christian, Catholic, Pagan, Buddhist, or any religion. It doesn’t matter if you control every calorie you eat or if you just enjoy the food that goes into your mouth. It doesn’t matter if you live off of celery, if you live off of salads, if you love to eat potatoe chips, if you love steak, if you love McDonalds, if you love Chinese, or if you love french fries. It doesn’t matter if you exercise religiously, if you exercise when you feel like it, or if you don’t exercise at all. It doesn’t matter if you are a cat person or a dog person. You will end up either in the ground, in an urn, or decomposing somewhere else.

It doesn’t matter.

Do whatever makes you happy in life*, because you only have one life to live.

If you love to eat potatoe chips because they taste great, go for it. I’m not going to tell you to “not eat them all the time” because they are “junk food”. If you love to eat salad because you just love salad, go for it. If you love to eat salad because its a “good” food, you are not doing it because you want to, you’re doing it because you feel you should. If you don’t want any goddamn salad then don’t get any. It’s your choice. If you aren’t happy, do what you can to change that. Do the best that you can.

People just don’t get that they shouldn’t hate themselves because of X or let yourself believe you are a bad person because of Y. Inflicting shame on others won’t make you, or them, a better person.

It reminds me of this quote from Mean Girls:

…Making fun of Caroline Kraft wouldn’t stop her from beating me in this contest. Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid won’t make you any smarter… All you can do in life is try and solve the problem in front of you.

(lol, I do love that movie. Too funny!)

Nobody has the right to tell me I can’t be happy. Nobody.

And even if I do drop dead because that’s what us fatties do, it won’t matter. I’LL BE FUCKING DEAD! I obviously won’t care. So live your life while you are here, and make sure you are happy. Because if you aren’t, then something has to change. And that something isn’t the size of your body.

This was a random/slightly serious post, but I felt like I had to just let it out.

*Exception: I’d just like to note that if killing/harming other people is what makes you happy… well, then that’s not really good.

I’m really excited about having my laptop and all- I’m thinking maybe eventually I might be able to make webcast or youtube video post or something. I don’t know if I would be able to figure out how to get it online, but it’s an idea. I don’t know whether or not I want to yet, but I’m debating.

anywho.

Back on the hair issue I had before. I had decided to not cut it, to atleast wait until my next hair appointment (it’s July 2nd). Well, I’ve just finished catching up on my fatosphere reading (and DARN my computer to hell for being dial up! I want to watch Joy Nash’s new video!! I CURSE TEH INTERNETZ!) After reading this (*edit* and this), however, it makes me want to just cut it all off. I love that cut. I don’t even honestly know if my hair would look like that if it got cut that short. If it was that short it probably would, but alittle bit longer and my hair would curl…. I just love that look!

Annddd I went back through my photobucket account/blog posts to find pictures of my hair long, since the only one I had was with it pulled back lol. Not very helpful.

I mean, I know my hair is all that long right now, but it’s long for me.

I feel like if I cut my curls I am betraying who I am… or something..

When I was on my college orientation my sister noticed one of the orienters (sp?) staring at me. lol, she apologized and said she was just looking at my hair and how she thought the color and cut was perfect. I even told my mom I was thinking about cutting it was short, but then she shocked me by saying she liked it the way it was (she being the one who always wanted me to chop it all off and causing me to hate my short hair because it was forced on me lol). I always get compliments on my curls and I feel like if I cut them I am not going to get any compliments and I’ll feel guilty.. or something. I don’t know.

Then I get all twisty because I do like my curls- they set me apart. But then I think about how awesome short hair would be. It seems like it’s just making a statement, it means something. I would like what having short hair would mean (to me). But then I think I like having people remember me by my hair. Who can forget the girl with the thick slightly messy crazy ass curly hair? And then I think that I definitely don’t have the ‘pixie’ feature to pull of a pixie cut. And then I think it would be so much easier to have. And then I think that maybe, for once, I’ll stick it out and my hair will finally be long. And then I think why I want that.

blarg.

You guys don’t have to comment on this if you don’t want, seeing as I am practically spewing what I spewed before and not saying anything new… I just to let it out for myself.. again…

Well, anywho, if you even read this post, thank you. And here is a picture of me at graduation when I straightened my hair (which was then de-straightened quite a bit by the humidity). I even have a little bit of eyemakeup on.. which I usually don’t lol.

hm.. I have one pretty kick ass mole above my right eye (your left). I’ve got alot actually. You could probably play connect the dots with them lol.

well, have a great weekend everyone ) hopefully I’ll update again soon.

Okay, a few of these intertwine with one another because they are all kind of related.

And these are just tips. I’m not the puppet master of your life. It is yours do with what you wish. These are just some of the things I can think of that might help if you are unhappy with yourself and want more body confidence. Body confidence may also lead to other forms of confidence, which I am still working on myself. So please read, but don’t think I am TELLING YOU THAT YOU MUST DO THESE THINGS!!!

- Fuck advertisements

            You know how, about ever 5 minutes, you see some diet advertisement, whether it is in a magazine, a newspaper, online, or on the TV? FUCK IT. If it’s in a magazine, tear out the page (or just ignore it if you don’t want to mess up the magazine lol), if it’s in a newspaper, do the same. Or never buy that magazine again, as they don’t seem to notice how their advertising affects readers and they don’t deserve your money (if you really love the magazine though, just realize what the ads are saying to you. If you can see that their whole intent is trying to make money off your low self esteem/ body image, you will at least recognize it and know that it isn’t worth your money or time). It’s harder to ignore advertisements in magazines, and if you really love the magazine it’s hard to boycott it. So my suggestion? Find some magazines that don’t use those kinds of ads. Even though I am still receiving Seventeen due to a subscription that hasn’t ended (though, Seventeen is getting better, though they still trip on their own words sometimes), the only magazines I buy now are BUST and BITCH. Don’t let the names scare you.  

          After buying BUST a few times, I noticed, wow- this magazine doesn’t have any diet ads in it. I just think that is awesome. To be able to read and enjoy a magazine without being insulted every other page. They also don’t have 10 pages devoted to snagging the man of your dreams. Plus, for women anyway, they are definitely a confidence booster, since they are feminist magazines (and Bust’s tagline is “For women with something to get off their chests”). I know whenever a lot of girls my age hear the word feminist, they think “Man-hating, single, ugly, crazy”- you know, all the stuff you are fed through the media. I used to think that too, but I am ever so happy I don’t anymore. It is inspiring to read about women doing things other than just trying to lose weight and look pretty and get a man. Plus, you learn to recognize the way women are treated though advertisements. (Like the one for the Kellog water or whatever: Look at these yummy candies, but you cannot have them, because you are a woman and want to lose weight and never enjoy yourself! You must curtail your desires!… UGH!)

            As for the TV advertisements, just change the channel. That’s it. If a diet commercial comes on, I change the channel immediately. I don’t feel like hearing “Body fat is unattractive” one more time for goodness sake. Every diet ad you see is basically insulting you, but you are trained that to lose weight is healthy and what you should be doing, that you should never have any fat on you, so you don’t recognize how insulting these ads are. They just feed into the never ending body hateful diet cycle. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to hear people insulting me and then expecting me to give them money for it. Another solution is to just watch less TV, which is easier to do when there is nothing good on. However, when House, Ugly Betty ,Grey’s Anatomy, Avatar, or the History channel has something good on, you know where I’ll be lol.

            So basically: at the very least, recognize that these advertisements just want your money. Secondly, look at how they go about convincing you that you need to buy their product, what are they telling you? What are they saying is wrong about your body? Thirdly, go read/watch something else; you don’t need to waste your time listening to someone telling you that you are fugly or not healthy or not right just the way you are.

- Look in the mirror

            This one is pretty simple. Look at yourself in the mirror- that’s it. I mean really look. If you have a full length mirror, that’s even better. Whether you are a fat or thin girl who thinks she is ugly and not beautiful enough just try this. (This is kinda like what they do on How To Look Good Naked, except you don’t have Carson Kresley over your shoulder telling you things). To just start, look at your face. Look at everything on your face, and say why it is beautiful. Nothing negative. If you think something is ugly because it is different and doesn’t look like how you are “supposed” to look, just think about why it should look a certain way. Why is a small nose they way your nose is supposed to be? Why are large breast the way your breast are supposed to be? Why are full lips the way your lips are supposed to be? Why is your body “supposed” to be anything other than what it is? Look at all of your body in the mirror, and whether this sounds weird or not, look at it nude or in your underclothes. See how it really looks. I won’t lie, I do this a lot. And it helps, it really does. I see how gorgeous and natural my curves look, how they almost look like a painting. Stop denying how your body really is. If you are fat, then so what? If you are skinny, then so what? Go and own your body, it’s yours. Just seeing it as it really is helps to accept it and see the beauty in it.

- Take pictures

            When I was still a chubby tween, I hated being in pictures, and I hated being on a video camcorder and put on tape lol. I didn’t want my ugliness caught! Now, on the other hand, I love taking pictures! Like the mirror, taking pictures is a way for you to really see your body. If you don’t want to take pictures, then find pictures or artwork of people who do look like you/your body. Look at them. If you can see the beauty in those pictures, why can’t you see it in yourself? Then look at pictures or artwork of people who don’t look like you. Instead of comparing your body to theirs, look at what makes them beautiful. I do think people miss out when they can’t see what makes other people beautiful. Not only does that make you less critical of yourself, it makes seeing so many different people enjoyable, instead of just comparing those people to what everyone “should” look like.

            Even if you think your pictures are “bad” pictures (which means you think you look fat or ugly or such), think about how you were feeling in those pictures. If you went out with your girlfriends and had a great time, but you look back on the pictures and just see yourself as the “fat cow” surrounded by “gorgeous friends”, remember the great time you had. See how beautiful you all look, having fun and enjoying life. Even if you think it is the worst picture ever, remember, it’s just a picture. It captured one moment in the bazillion that you have in a lifetime. So instead of hating on that moment, remember how great what you were doing was. (Now, if you had a bad time doing whatever you were doing in the picture… then through the picture away lol- why remember something that sucked?).

- Don’t compare your body to others

            This is a big one. Stop comparing your body to other people’s bodies. Just stop. Cold Turkey stop. I know first impressions are pretty much impossible to stop, but that does not mean you need to go on to compare yourself to a person. Body comparison either results in A) body loathing from not being as “good” looking as the other person or B) body loving from being “better” looking than the other person. It is just a lose-lose situation. Love your body on your own terms, not someone else’s. Plus, when you are critical of someone else’s body, you will be more critical of your own body. The body comparison goes along with this one: Don’t let your happiness rest of anyone other than you. When you compare, with either the A or B results as above, you are letting your body’s beauty rest of other people.

- Don’t feel guilty

            This one is simple. Just don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel ashamed of your body. If shame really made fat people thin, we would all be thin by now. Don’t feel guilty for living your life the way you want to live it (so long as you don’t go on a murdering spree or anything that is actually harming other people). Don’t feel guilty for eating a certain food, or say “I really shouldn’t have eaten that”. Look, if you wanted to eat it, then eat it and enjoy it. If you didn’t want to eat it, then DON’T eat it in the first place. Don’t eat it and complain about it. You should’ve gotten what you wanted, not what you didn’t want.

And either way, you’ve already eaten it, so there isn’t much point in feeling guilty about it now.

- Treat your body right

            Eat what you want and use your body. Look, for all fat-haters who think all fat people do is eat gallons of ice cream and doughnuts, if all we did was eat those things, we would get sick of them eventually and then eat something different. I don’t care who you are, you can’t eat only one food forever and not get tired of it. If you really want potato chips, then have some. Eventually you body will tell you that is enough and that you don’t want anymore. By just eating one chip you won’t go on to eat 10 bags. If you really feel like having some apples, then have some. Listen to what your body tells you it wants. And don’t be afraid to use it. If you love biking, go out and bike. If you love hula hooping, go out and hula. If you love yoga, do some yoga. If you love dancing, do some dancing. And if you just need a day to do nothing, do nothing.

- Stop worrying about what other people think

            A lot of these “tips” go together. Not worrying about what other people think is a universal rule that you should always remember. Do those people really, honestly care? Don’t they have their own lives to worry about without worry about what you are doing too? Does their caring really matter to you anyway?

- What’s the worst that could happen?

            My dad always tells me “It doesn’t hurt to ask”. I try to remember that all the time, because even though my body confidence is much higher than it used to be, my inner confidence isn’t always there (you know, the whole not calling people on the phone thing, being nervous around people, the quiet one in a group, that kind of thing). Just thinking about what the worst thing that could happen helps.

- Don’t worry about teh menz

            This goes along with not letting people affect your happiness with your body. Don’t let your view of your attraction rest on whether or not you have 5 boyfriends. (Chances are, the person with 5 boyfriends will be having problems sooner or later anyway). This may be a revolutionary thought, but you do not NEED a man. Unless you want to bear children, then one might be required. But otherwise, you do not NEED one. You may WANT one, but that is different. If you have a boyfriend and feel you NEED him to survive, that is just creepy. My ex was like that, he “needed” me, etc. And it was just creepy. In the movies it may seem romantic and such, but it isn’t. It’s weird. Maybe this is different once you actually have the man/woman or your dreams and you marry (or not) them and know you love them, and you don’t know what you would do if they died. I honestly cannot speak from that side of things, as I haven’t experienced it. Everyone is led to believe that your life goes as follows: marry, have children, get old, die. If your life doesn’t follow that pattern that doesn’t mean you are a “bad woman” who isn’t “fulfilling her life’s role” or whatever. It just means your life is your life. Do what you want. And while you are doing what you want, don’t worry about whether the men are knocking down your doorstep or not. And if you do find a guy you like, make sure he treats you with respect and loves you for who you are (and who you are does include your appearance). For skinny girls, don’t date a guy who wants you to “fill out” or whatever. For fat girls, don’t date a guy who wants you to lose a few pounds. If he doesn’t love all of your or treats you like shit, he isn’t worth your time.

- Surround yourself with people who agree with you

            Don’t be friends with people who insult you on a daily basis. They aren’t worth your time. Don’t be friends with people who just want you to make them feel better about themselves. Don’t put up with friends talking about how they “are so fat” or any other insults, or ones that say “you are so skinny”. Tell them to keep it to themselves. You want your friends to be trusting and considerate to your feelings. Why surround yourself with assholes that treat you like shit?

And I guess I could say some other things, like do things you don’t normally do, take risks, get out your shell, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, speak up, etc.

Getting more confident is just hard. It is. Whether it is body confidence or inner confidence, it’s hard. It takes time. I konw my inner confidence isn’t the best, but I think that I’ll get there eventually, I just need some time to “mature” lol. I mean, I can totally sport teh confidentz on my blog and I love doing it, but in real life it’s a different matter. So I’m working on it myself .

So I got this comment today, and I feel like I need to make a post about it rather than just reply to the comment.

I’m not forcing you to.
but those standards are bullshit

If the standards are “bullshit”, one would think you want them to change. The standards are based on what people find attractive.

Ergo, wanting to change the standard would, in fact, be forcing people to find you attractive.

Everyone is beautiful in their own goddamn way and if people can’t see that then they are the ones missing out.

Which has nothing to do with being physically attractive. If someone isn’t physically attracted to another, they aren’t missing out on anything.

In adult humans, physical relationships are born out of physical attraction.

You don’t owe being attractive to anyone-

If you’d like to remain celibate for your entire life, sure, that’s true.

However, if you want to attract a mate, you do in fact have to be attractive to said mate.

Just saying

It did make me think about what I was saying, and made me feel like I ought to clarify what I mean.

If the standards are “bullshit”, one would think you want them to change. The standards are based on what people find attractive.

Ergo, wanting to change the standard would, in fact, be forcing people to find you attractive.

I hate “standards” because it implies that “X” is what everyone knows is true. It like saying every woman’s favorite color is pink, or all women like men with blue eyes, or something like that. It implies that it speaks for everyone when it really doesn’t. There are lots of women who hate the color pink, lots of women who’d love a guy with dark eyes, etc. What people are the standards coming from? The people with money, with power- people who want others to think a something is a standard to make money off of them trying to emulate it?

My other problem with standards is that is what you are being held up to. I’m sorry if I don’t want my worth to be based on how I compare to what “everyone” knows is attractive. I just don’t want my worth to be based on a comparison to something else.

Maybe I just think standards themsevles are bull and maybe I do want to change them. Maybe I don’t think it’s fair for everyone trying to be something they are not or trying to change themselves to fit a mold. I don’t see how that is forcing someone to find me attractive. Attraction is subjective, but attraction based on what you are told is attractive is not. (unless you actually are attracted to that, of course.)

Maybe all I am asking is for people to recognize that there are many different types of beauty other than what is the “standard”

And I went back to reread my post, and the only time I talked about attraction was when it was dealing with men. “Repeat: I don’t care whether you find me attractive, I’m not forcing you to.” and then later in a seperate paragraph ”So yeah, I am ugly to today’s standards, but those standards are bullshit and I shouldn’t waste my time trying to fit them.”… about how I shouldn’t beat myself up over standards.

Which has nothing to do with being physically attractive. If someone isn’t physically attracted to another, they aren’t missing out on anything.

In adult humans, physical relationships are born out of physical attraction.

I do think that people who can’t see the beauty in others are missing out. I never said beauty = attraction. I think they are two seperate things. Seeing beauty in other people doesn’t mean “wow, she’s hot! I want to fuck her!” or whatever. Seeing beauty in others helps to see beauty in yourself. It’s a lot better than being judgemental about them, which makes you more judgemental about yourself (atleast in my experiences anyway).

Maybe physical relationships are born out of physical attraction, but I think many relationships have other things involved. Obviously physical attraction is part of it, but if that is all there is then what’s left? If physical attraction is all there was to a relationship, that would be a pretty sad relationship. Though maybe you are refering to one night stands or that kind of relationships.

If you’d like to remain celibate for your entire life, sure, that’s true.

However, if you want to attract a mate, you do in fact have to be attractive to said mate.

Maybe some people don’t give a fuck about “finding a mate”. Maybe some people actually believe that their worth as a human doesn’t come from reproducing and furthering the human race. You do not owe attractiveness to anyone. You just don’t. It’s not your duty as a human to be attractive. This is were standards come in again, what is attractive? You can speak for yourself, but you can’t speak for everyone. I’d like to hope that there are some men who want a loving relationship and do not believe their love’s worth comes from her appearance. If not, then what’s the point? Why would I want to be around a guy who thinks I am the ugliest girl on the planet and never wants to spend time with me? I wouldn’t. If I have to choose between that and nothing, I’d take nothing. I am sure there are plenty of women who don’t give a crap about making themselves attractive who get fucked and aren’t celibate.

Maybe I am just reading your comment the wrong way, I don’t know, but this is how I feel about it. It seems as though you are assuming that every man wants this, every man wants that; every relationship is that, every relationship is that. It’s all assumptions. Though maybe I am making an assumption about you as well and I am wrong and just want everyone to want to fuck me and find me inexplicably gorgeous and make statues out of me.

I am not stating this to say “I hate myself” or “I’m so fucking ugly!!!” That isn’t what I am going for here. I am just stating a fact that I am not conventionally beautiful. I’m not. I have one big ass honker for a nose, got caterpillar eyebrows most of the time (recently been waxed~). I’ve got bags under my eyes, chubby cheeks, frizzy thick hair that is also curly and a pain to manage, plus zits galore! Compare my face to the girls at school? Hell yes it is ugly!

But that’s the thing. Ugly compared to what? Compared to today’s standards I’m pretty much a cow. To be pretty I would need to be thin, smooth and straight (oh your hair can even be a little wavvy now, just not crazy curly) hair, small and slender nose, big eyes, straight face, etc. Like pretty much every identical cover of men’s magazines (or women’s for that matter). But you know what? Fuck that.

Shall I say this again?

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck that!

For the assholes:

Dear women-
If making fun of me makes you feel better about yourself? Then fine, have a go. I hope you have a nice life. If simply seeing me and thinking that I am fugly makes you feel better, fine, have a go. I hope you have a nice life. (add for blog: And if you actually go out of your way and comment here about it, great. I will either A) Spam you or B) Make a post making fun of how much of an asshole you are.)

Dear Men:-
I don’t give two shits whether or not you think I am fugly. Memo: I also don’t care whether you want to fuck me or not. (Honestly, if I guy told me he doesn’t want to fuck me, why in the hell would I even want to? DUH trolls!). Being fuckable does not make me a worthy person. Being fuckable means you find me attractive, and that’s it. Repeat: I don’t care whether you find me attractive, I’m not forcing you to. I get pissed when guys are assholes (I am surrounded by many of them in high school) and can’t seem to shut up for a minute.

So yeah, I am ugly to today’s standards, but those standards are bullshit and I shouldn’t waste my time trying to fit them. The only person I need to impress is me. Everyone is beautiful in their own goddamn way and if people can’t see that then they are the ones missing out.

Your worth as a human being doesn’t come from being attractive. You don’t owe being attractive to anyone- http://www.dressaday.com/2006/10/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty.html

hm.. I’m feeling fiery today rawr!

So yeah. I may not be conventionall beautiful- but that’s okay. I’ll survive. I am beautiful by my standards. I have feirce eyes and some sexy lips, I got beautiful curves and thighs are killer. My hair is always voluminous and fun. I have one pretty smile. I am smart, caring, pissy, and fun. I am perfect just the way I am- conventionally beautiful or not.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it! tsss!

I have to say I am particularly proud of this description (apologies for the many swear words- I just had to let it all out!)

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This deviation was from like a month or more ago. I could probably add more, but I don’t want to change it from the original. (Plus I have to start getting ready woot!)